Ladies, there ARE good men out there...

They're just too good for YOU. My message to you? Settle.

Yes, I'm available...

**********

I'd probably do better with women if I had more confidence....

*gets a crap load of sympathy sex*

"Yeah, I knew that pretend to have no confidence crap would work."

*juggles chainsaws that are on fire while walking a tightrope and winking at the girls waiting outside of a modeling school*

**********

Virginia is for lovers...

...of anal.

#firstdraftsofstateslogans

I see your Edison reference in your car commercial and I'll raise with a Tesla reference and an accurate accounting of history...

When you use the "Incognito" window on the new laptops, tissue pops out. Yes, EVERYONE knows what you're doing you sick freaks!

*Whispering* Google is following me. Every time I use a different computer, my tabs and bookmarks are there...

I'm losing my mind!!!!!!!

**********

The judge that put Ochocinco in jail just cupped my buttcheeks and sentenced me to 30 days of...well, let's just say I'm not fighting it...

Just found out that I'm 1/32 Native American.
GET OFF MY LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't run to your car in a raincoat if you're shoeless & wearing shorts. People WILL get the wrong idea, especially if you're near a school.

Dear rappers, people will rob you if you walk around with large sums of money, gold and/or diamonds.

You're welcome.

*********

Now that 2 Chainz has been robbed, "Bucket O Gold" had better increase his security.

Racist attacks on an 11 year old singing the National Anthem?

NSA, you know what to do...

"You are NOT the father!"
*dances around like an ass*
"Yeah! I told you! You ain't nuthin' but a !@^#@!"
*hands Maury money*
"Thanks man"

Maybe YOU'RE are mad about the NSA scandal, but without them my friend would've had to hire Cheaters to know about his wife's boyfriend.

Jason Kidd retires.
9 days later coach of the Nets
9 days from now retires as coach
9 days after that goes into Hall of Fame
9 days later...

"Vinegar. Vin..N*gger, NICE TRY RACISTS!"
-A tweet If twitter was invented in the 60's

The Obama administration has changed it's mind about the morning after pill.
"Yesssssssss!"
- 30 year old dudes that bang teens

Not ALL boobs are salty, that's why I bring my own salt when I'm on a date.

My little bi-racial cousin poured Cheerios on me while I slept, just like in the commercial.
She just wanted the box.

The one little cousin that was afraid of me, NOW smiles when he sees me and crawls quickly across the room to me....
...and with that, goes my last babysitting excuse.

There are two types of comedians:

Those that ADMIT to being influenced by Richard Pryor

and those that were influenced by Richard Pryor and don't know it.

That is all...

Ip Map would whip Superman's ass. Because he actually existed. Also, Superman didn't study Kung Fu. Duh...

The NBA finals are on against the Tony Awards….tough choice…. Bwahahahahaha!

"Whoa! Hot potato, hot potato!"

- The Phillies when a .500 record is in their hands

I'm covered in baby spit. Yeah, a cousin's work is never done...

Quitting IS an option.

A wise man once said to me "Aw shit, let's get outa here!". I followed that man's advice...and our asses remained UN-kicked. Yes...a wise man