Is being polite and friendly so weird? I'm ALWAYS that way to people...and they seem stunned by it. I AM SO! Don't make me cut YOU!!

Hey YOU! I disagree with you about religion/politics. You're nothing but a (Insert most insulting epithet) & (Insert insult to intelligence)

Hey YOU! I disagree with you about religion/politics. You're nothing but a (Insert most insulting epithet) & (Insert insult to intelligence)

A murder trial is NOT a reality show....there's NO acting in a reality show.

I got an Alaskan wax. That's when they rip off YOUR genital hair and replace it with a shedding Polar Bear's hair

Politics...one side f*cks the people. The other side...f*cks themselves. F*ck BOTH of them.

Breaking News!!!! Facebook buys f*cking!!! Starting in 2014 ALL f*cking MUST be done via Facebook. I'll bet you start using it MORE now.

Skipping rocks over the cat pee in this alley isn't as fun as doing it across a lake. That homeless guy is a LIAR!

***

"Nope, NOT doing it! NO WAY!!!"

JUMP CUT TO:

Actor doing activity that he just refused

"This is the LAST time!" - Every sitcom

***

Helped my mom make her FIRST online purchase today. I had to, wouldn't want her to "accidentally" order porn like I lie and say that I did.

I use Crest Whitestrips to write inappropriate stuff on myself, it's a pre-sex conversation starter. Ladies?

Cursing at me and calling me the "N" word doesn't bother me, sorry racists. Women, feel free to do so if I'm in you...I kind of dig it THEN.

New extreme sport....Ride Mitt Romney (while he's flip flopping his opinion) for 8 seconds without being thrown off, win a case of beer.

Being good is good, being bad is bad, water is wet, fire is hot. (When I have nothing profound to say I state the obvious & hope I fool you)

Who is this "Casey Anthony"? Why have I not been bombarded with coverage of this?

Hours behind the grill...6. Red meat eaten....NONE. I did have a little potato salad but it's okay...it was killed humanely.

Interviewing "People on the street" about the Casey Anthony verdict is as interesting as asking them what they'd do with powerball winnings.

I officially now have a "Thing" for female meteorologists...ALL of them.

No child is "Illegitimate"...it's time to stop using that stupid f*cking saying. Also, ladies... anyone out there want to get knocked up?

Hours behind the grill...6. Red meat eaten....NONE. I did have a little potato salad but it's okay...it was killed humanely.

It's hard to get chapstick off of your balls...she knew that! Territory marking witch! - A cheating 20something

Very attractive actors and actresses...stop TRYING to be funny. You aren't...you never learned how. Thanks.

Happy July 3rd, the day we thought..."it's cool, those motherf*ckers can talk all they want, tomorrow is Independence DAY, THEN, it's on!

If you're too easily offended by obvious jokes here...it's because your mother is a 75 cent hooker.

"Stardom" should be the side effect of excellence...NOT a goal.

It's really NOT a good thing when xenophobes and NON-critical thinkers are the MOST influential minority.

Let's start caning people for being identity thieves. Also, fast food workers who assume that everyone want peanuts on their ice cream.

Dear rich and powerful people. I will be joining your ranks in the next 5-10 years. Could you stop being d-bags before I get there? Thanks.

Hey, yeah 2012, you...me...a romantic dinner...what do you say? No, I was never serious with 2011! 2010 is a damned liar!

DON'T lead someone on if you DON'T want them, it's cruel & I'm the type of friend that they'll to vent to @ 12am. Don't make me hurt you!

I'm nice to the meter reader & don't get a ticket, the next guy yells & gets a ticket. The lesson? It's fun watching an a-hole get a ticket.

An hour at the post office...one teller...50 people in line ALL doing "complicated" transactions. Please create a line for NON-idiots!

I read very early. When I was a child I was offered a FULL SCHOLARSHIP to a school for the gifted. NOW, I'm HERE. Starting FAST sucks.