Dear people watching the movie "The Purge", some of us grew up in neighborhoods that were like that ALL THE TIME. Not gonna scare me...

Peeing on a pigeon.
(Added to the bucket list)

I should be getting it on with a gorgeous lady right now, but I'm stuck with you lose...I mean...hey guys!

Wait until people see my Cheerios commercial with the bisexual asian sisters....
Controversy!

A confused Michael Douglas is on my porch licking my neighbor's cat.

I'd rather see a full episode of the show I like, not this bullshit pilot you tricked me into watching by putting it in the show I like.

Keep my opinions to yourself, because I'm always right. Wait, what?

Breaking news! S. Anthony Thomas discovers that the cure to the HPV virus causing throat problems is booty slurping. Film at 11!

Play Liberace...then tell people that you had so much oral with women that you got throat cancer. Well played Michael Douglas, well...played.

No, don't worry Mr. Thomas, I won't give you a ticket.
- Even the police see my greatness (They even helped bury the bod...uh, nothing.)

Is a controlled fire an acceptable alternative to me doing yard work?

I'm not a "Boob" man or a "Butt" man, I'm a "What kind of person is she?" man.
(Saying that crap is going to get me so much boobs and booty)

If the host of "Cheaters" asks you to meet him, don't bother watching the video when you get there. Your spouse was fucking someone.

This hotel doesn't have wifi, but the betamax machine and free edsel parking more than make up for it.

Just looked at an old guy and thought...."I don't want to live THAT long!"

Dear teens in my neighborhood, you can now include ME in your "Can I cut your grass sir?" list.

Yes, I want the key to your heart. But...does it include unlimited access to the "Living room", "Upstairs" and your backdoor? It does? COOL!

*Reads book on teachings of "The Buddha" in public*
(Waits for unwanted religious conversion attempt)

*Puts on hat of favorite sports team*
(Waits for childish jackass to trash talk)

*Exists*
(Waits for people to give a shit)
*People instead, give him shit*
*Damn it, that's not what he meant!*
:)

We’re supposed to be shocked Michael Douglas has oral sex with Catherine Zeta Jones? I’m shocked he stopped long enough to do an interview.

If Michael Douglas got HPV, from what he did, I should have the triple ebola virus right now just from what I did in the 90's.

"Dog whistle politics....it's FAN-TASTIC!"
- I'm selling slogan tee-shirts outside of congress

You may mock me, but I quickly sold out my "Truth, who needs it?" shirts outside of a certain cable news station...

Dear ballerinas that I will have sex with, keep your socks on. You know why. Thanks.

"I may surf with her...but I only podcast with YOU."
- Me trying to stop my laptop from getting jealous of my new Chromebook.

The sun's uvb rays just called me the "N" word.

"Compete for you with 24 other guys? Are you nuts? Maybe YOU have low self esteem, I don't."
- S. Anthony leaves "The Bachelor"

Are they going to do a Superman movie with a different guy every six months? At least James Bond actors hung onto the role long enough to have fans argue about which era was better. Fans of these guys have to google their names during an argument about who's best.