I'm going to start a movement to make adult diapers cool. Yeah, I'm THAT good.

I don't brush my teeth counterclockwise, I brush them counterintuitively...my eyes hurt.

Women...your ass + stretch marks = me seeing your nude ass = me very happy = you even happier. Now...enough talking....

"Dear flies, you will stick to fly paper and die. Don't do that, we want to eat you." - Bigger insects

Okay Newt, I get it. Your campaign is just a live, real world version of "The Producers". Well played Andy Kaufman 2.0, well played...

S. Anthony says... (Facial expression flashback)

Something weird happened to me just now. I was in the corner store and saw something that really brought back an interesting moment of decision from my teen years. Let me explain. I started doing standup comedy when I was 17 years old. At that age, no matter the profession, you are impressionable.

I wanted to fit in with the other comics, most of whom where 10-20 years older that I was. Being adults, they used adult material and language. I never cursed in my real life...but to fit in I began to do so in my shows. One of the other things done was "crowd work". That's when a comic engages in a conversation with audience members (usually just a device to smoothly lead into previously prepared material). Some comics, and I am one, use "crowd work" to ad-lib and keep the show fresh for myself as well as the audience. Another aspect of "crowd work" is making fun of the crowd. Sometimes a comic will ridicule an audience member (not caring if that person is embarrassed) just to get laughs from others.

This brings me to the flashback that I had. I was in the store and one of the employees "playfully" teased a regular customer about his weight. He laughed...but I could see the micro-expression on his face that told me that the "teasing" hurt him a little. I've seen that face before. I saw it from stage as a 17 year old. I was doing a sold out show in New Jersey and the set was going great. I began to do "crowd work", as I spoke to a man in the audience I began talking about something that hit a little too close to home with this man. He laughed...but I could tell that I had accidently hurt this man's feelings.

I was able to get out of the situation and after the show he hugged me. I didn't know it, but he was aware of my choice to back off and move on. He explained why he was glad that I had moved off of the subject, and after he told me why, I was also glad that I had. I won't betray his confidence even after all of these years, but I had come close to really hurting this guy's feelings inadvertently. It was at that moment that I decided that I would not allow my comedy to hurt people. I still remember the look on that man's face.... I saw it again in the store today. The message? Words can hurt, and heal. It's our choice. I have made my choice.

P.S. (None of that applies to lying politicians, fuck them.)

Headline: TIGER’S BACK: First Win In Two Years
My response: Uh oh, he’s fucking strippers again…


"Nothing tastes better than a warm glass of "MILF"..."
- Newt Gingrich going after Herman Cain supporters

I’m trying to be a “good boy” and wait until I’m in my next relationship BEFORE I do any more “power banging“….but….

Have YOU ever just wanted to tie someone to your headboard and lick their moist places until the calendar changes?

Asking for no reason…

When one uses inaccuracies to rant on a popular movement to boost a podcast, you're NOT pimping the system, you're a broken system's WHORE.

With Herman Cain out of the cheating business, SOMEONE has to service all of those MILFS with bad taste. HERE I COME LADIES!!!

“Wait, THOSE guys (Cain, Gingrich) get to STAY in the race!?! W…T…F!?!”  — John Edwards

Project “Do what it takes to REGULARLY FILL places THIS size”….

…begins… NOW!


Namaste.

Michelle Obama sent an email saying that she wanted to meet me. Michelle...NO, IT can NEVER be! Huh? It was MASS email? I knew that...

Chris Christie, rapidly achieving his goal of being a bigger disingenuous troll than Rudy Giuliani. (Not a fat joke, I don't do those)

Cash Strapped.....A NEW sex game. (FYI, my company has discontinued COIN STRAPPED. Too many injuries)