F*ck you HULU, I watched the Bachelorette by accident for 5 seconds! Stop suggesting Real Housewives to me dammit!

If you're the relative of a person that ISN'T a slave to the prison of being "normal" enjoy it. Don't be an a-hole, YOU may learn something.

My gorgeous eye doctor said that I am "A delicious man"...okay, to you it sounded like "Mr Thomas, your eyes are in great health, see you next year!"...but when was the last time that you had your ears checked? Huh? DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!

I got into my time machine and gave Schrödinger's cat potassium iodide in her water dish. Yeah, take THAT! I hate paradoxes!

There should have been a warning on my ex, maybe a picture of me wanting to jump off of a cliff after dealing with her. #justlikecigarettes

Dish washing liquid, only "HELPS" wash dishes. I would file a class action suit against these companies...but with THIS supreme court....

"Get your ass OUTTA MY CHAIR!" *throws chair* *crowd yells Steeeeve!* - Why I can no longer ride the subway

See what you did supreme court!?! You let Walmart off the hook & they change their slogan to "Lowest prices when we f*cking feel like it!"

S Anthony Thomas, turning women on with the way he eats ice cream since 1987

GOP, I don't agree with your ideology but if you use the power you have to outlaw lame ass radio announcer voices, I might vote for you.

To the fellas...Happy Father's day! To the ladies...if we get started NOW, next year someone can say that to ME. Let's go!

Really big, tall, hefty guys that date tiny tiny women...stop that. Prove that you're strong at the gym, OK? We see you, we know what's up!

If people who knew me in real life ever read my tweets, they'd be shocked. Hahahaha, just kidding. I say that crap In real life too!

Teens...are here...to destroy us! You didn't hear that from me.

Hey, hot neighbor, stop screwing drunks and complaining that they're unreliable. Also, START screwing ME. Thanks.

Hi dealers down the street, you have more money that I...but I've done something you'll NEVER do....pass the age of 30.

It always amuses me how far from the words/ teachings of the founder/inspiration of a religion that the practitioners are.

I speak of myself in the 3.23rd person, because I'm better that you. I repeat, S. Anthony is .23 BETTER than you!!!

So, how far does this Congress and these new Governors have to insert their feet into people's anuses before the pain makes them act to protect themselves? Just wondering...

I'm watching two people argue politics. It's amazing seeing two people that don't know what they're talking about generate so much hate.

(MY Press conference)
"Mr Thomas did you tweet "junk pics" to the ladies?"
"Yup."
"Aren't you ashamed!?!"
"You must not have seen the pics."

After massive pressure builds up my Weiner also resigns. (See what I did there? Yeah, genius)