Too many things can easily be hidden in apple butter, that's why I don't eat it anymore...

String theory is really about thong flavor.

Yeah girl, watch me lick this stamp...oh, calling a friend to tell them about me huh? *5 minutes pass* What's the problem officer?

Drug dealers should just pretend to be giving out free flu shots.

It's NOT spermicide, it's spermi-murder!

Spermi-murderers!!!!!

I took a selfie of myself taking a selfie of myself taking a selfie....

...and that's the REAL cause of global warming

Watching a beautiful woman brush her hair is wonderful.

Getting dressed and down from the tree before the cops get there...priceless.

No, I ordered a pizza, not a religious pamphlet and boring conversation. I think you want my neighbor. No...that one. I don't like him.

Hate the President because he's black? Ask yourself why skin color causes you to hate. Figure that out and 80% of your problems will go away.

My cat got 5,000 likes on Facebook by posting a picture of me with my head through a slice of bread.

Lynching-->Police Brutality
Colored only--->No school books
Dogs & Fire hoses--->Stop & Frisk
Birth of a Nation--->Fox News

#progress?

Grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon on a croissant should be eaten in the ER.

Why spend extra money on the ambulance ride?

#savemoney

I just had a DNA test on the Trisha Goddard show and found out that I'm 50% man, *50% AMAZING!

*Just kidding, I'm 100% AMAZING!