I'm going to show my next girlfriend's friends my penis so when we break up she can't tell them I have a small one.

Check and Mate.

Whoa! *cocks gun* I know that's not coal going into my stocking Santa... let's not make Mrs.Claus a widow...

- Kids finally get guns

Instead of pointing at others, point out a problem...then begin solving it you dickheads.

- First draft of my letter to congress.

"Facts" about S. Anthony Thomas:

Pistol whips himself in front of muggers to show them who REALLY is boss

Borrows sugar from mean neighbors and puts it in their own gas tanks because he believes in revenge AND not wasting HIS money

Taught baby seals hand to hand combat skills.... watch out poachers....SHIT IS ABOUT TO BE ON!

 Stopped the rain

So thoughtful, he gave Santa a *gift.

*The gift was "helping" Mrs. Claus reach the "North Pole" as he watched by Roudolph's nose light

Decided to throw salt straight down and not over his shoulder. He is currently sleeping with 14 supermodels after his lottery win.

Put a condom on backwards and now has a baby hanging out of his ass.

Pitbulls love it when you taunt them every day as you go to school kid. No, he won't remember that when he eventually gets out. Nope.

You don't HAVE TO wear pants when you use a McDonald's drive thru  no matter what they scream at you as you speed away from the angry mob.

Jump off a bridge? Hell no! Who told you that stupid crap?
- Billie Joe McAllister

 Black Jesus had better have ID when he comes back...

I tried to get people to replace the high five with the Isaac from Love Boat point...
Nope. Didn't work. And now I'm called a dweeb.

Remember the son "Chuck" that disappeared from "Happy Days"?
The Fonz killed and ate him. Yup. That's why they don't mess with him.

Aaay!

Junk food is good for you
- The little devil on my shoulder

Yeah, let's eat that shit!
- The "angel" on my other shoulder


A lady followed me to my car and tried to give me a religious magazine. I showed her my twitter, played her my podcast...holy water burns...