"Fuck what science says, the world is FLAT!"
"It's cold outside, so there is NO global warming"
(Douchebags don't change, topics do)

Lopez...Kardashian....Perry.... your move next celebrity that I don't care about!


Thanksgiving, spend time with family.
Christmas, spend time with family.
New Years Eve, wake up nude on lawn of family. Not YOUR family...according to the police.


Fox News Forced To Apologize For Offending Jews In Christmas Poll
In other news, Obama converts, TAKE THAT FOX!

If you are a young, attractive actress and you're trying to flirt with a casting director who is a little heavy....DO NOT have ANY of your sentences contain "...and you're a diabetic, right?"

That will make you less hot to him, and jobless.

But I'LL laugh silently, then write about it on the internet.

****

STOP doing things that fall into the stereotypes of your specific ethnic group!  You DON'T see ME doing PORNO anymore do you!?!  I mean...what's PORNO?

Maybe I need glasses, because I no longer see the point.

If I'm OLD and UNmarried, I WILL date 25yr old gold diggers, I will get DISAPPROVAL, I will NOT CARE because I WILL be getting LAID. Yup.

If we USED to have sex...and you call me, if the first words out of your mouth aren't "You may AGAIN have access to my lady junk!" Go away.

C'mon Kelly Clarkson. There are much better and less embarrassing ways to try for VP. 

Okay snooty flight attendant, you said "Turn off YOUR phone!"...but you didn't say I couldn't turn ON this guy's phone. Ha! I'm smart. 

...and in a shocking twist, a premature baby leaves her irresponsible mother in a box with a badly written note (how good can a preemie write give her a break) reading "Let's see how YOU like it BITCH!" Film at 11!

Dear long term girlfriends, LESS boudoir photos, MORE boudoir phucking. Thanks.

Hey, guy constantly complaining about his wife, I hate her more than you do. She's apparently turned you into a whining loser. STFU!

Pretending to care is HARD work, but CHEAPER than moving...so I'll stick with this pretending crap. But when I'm rich, WATCH OUT!!!

I accidently tripped my cousin (a black guy) and shot to the number two position in the latest straw poll.

My New Years resolution is (near the end of the year insert completed tasks so I can retroactively get credit and an unearned ego boost)

I'm BURNING ALL of MY old newsletters. You won't get ME ya bastids! Those pics of me in scooby doo drawers will REMAIN a secret! Oh crap...

"I'm changing the voting rules because I'm a lying racist...what? Who put the Sodium Pentothal in my coffee!?!" - Asshole Governors

Anyone else with Facebook TIMELINE getting wall posts from dead relatives? Weird. I deactivated THAT app....

It has come to MY attention....that the world will NOT just GIVE me what I want. What's up with THAT!?!

Have you ever looked at the people in your life and thought "THESE motherfuckers have go to GO!"?

"My penis tastes good...they say. THEY say!"  - A guy who wants the seat next to him to STAY empty

Stop saying "Mother nature has something up her sleeve". Mother Nature doesn't wear sleeves ...because Father Nature has an armpit fetish.

Why are women so much nicer to me AFTER I've had my penis in them?

*****

I really want to kick the shit out of some people. Not people in general, specific people. You know who they are. Did YOU see the video of the "Men?" that BEAT, STRIPPED & STOMPED that defenseless woman in Egypt? Of course you did.

These pieces of shit are NOT men. I AM a MAN and I do NOT want this scum attached to MY gender. A man does NOT use his power to hurt someone. A MAN does NOT hit a woman. These are NOT men.  If you are a "Law" enforcement officer, someone given training, weapons and the licence to use them and you use that power to beat, strip and stomp ANYONE...YOU ARE SHIT.

Fuck you. Fuck your coward friends. Fuck anyone that condones what you did and I hope that YOU get what YOU deserve.  I repeat...FUCK YOU.

****

Sorry, I'm going to be ME. Don't like that?  Go enjoy self carnal knowledge and then dine on the biological waste of a diseased animal. Ok?

Hot news anchors that hold notes over their crotches during standing news reads...we know it's back there and we're thinking about it. Yeah.

"You ungrateful muthafucka!" - spouse in car commercial watching as THEIR spouse eyes ANOTHER car after just being given a NEW one as a GIFT

"A guy with Dissociative disorder becomes a terrorist? THIS is what "Fight Club" was about? Why am I just finding out about this?" - Old guy

This newsletter scandal is going to hurt sales of Ron Paul's new Hip Hop CD.    Bad timing. His street cred is gone. What a waste of talent.

If SOPA passes, teach the BIG companies a lesson and BOYCOTT ALL entertainment but ME. Self serving? No, I'm trying to help YOU!

Facebook "TIMELINE" is great, I actually went back in time and found ALL of the money that I've lost in my lifetime. Yup. I'm getting a NEW wardrobe.

When did Vince McMahon buy cable news? That stuff looks like early 80's WWF wrestling now.

Members of congress run out of the house before taking a vote. Someone must have turned the light on in the kitchen.

I shave my head and my genitals within minutes of each other, because if I don't do it before the bus goes downtown... weird people get on.


I get the feeling that Jesus would probably laugh at the SNL Tebow sketch and call Pat Robertson "Disgusting". Just saying...

Voter suppression = Bigotry = You should NEVER be allowed to hold public office again.

On the bright side, after their sprint out of the house was timed, 14 members of congress qualified for the US track team. 

Limit the "Detention of American citizens" to Springer guests & women who won't let me do weird things to their butts and I'm cool with it.

I just looked up some of my old posts in my Facebook TIMELINE. I'm pretty funny sometimes. Also, severely disturbed...ALL  of the time.

If a tree falls in the woods...and no one is there to hear it, is it still LOUDER than John Boehner is to Congress?

"Dear Jackie Mason....I'm now taking Ed Sullivan's side." -a now EX fan

"...and BOTH parties share blame. If he moved from where the guy was stabbing, this couldn't happen!" - DC media takes over the crime beat

Breaking! Fidel Castro receives his $5 payout from North Korea for beating Kim Jong Il in the World Leader death pool. Film at 11!

The White House releases pictures of Jon Bon Jovi alive and well. Relax middle aged housewives, you still have a shot. Hahahaaha! Nope.

Dick Morris eats a bowl of live kittens for breakfast in the morning.

Dear television, enough of the "Black guy ain't shit" & "Angry Black women" stuff. Thanks. I have no problem boycotting your ass.

Dear EVERYONE, Newt doesn't want to be President, he wants money and attention. That's why he's saying crazy shit. Okay? You're welcome.

STOP walking dogs BIGGER than YOU, or I'm starting a petition to put your picture next to the word "Asshole" in the dictionary.

I'm officially old. Why do I say this? Because I can't tell if twenty year olds are flirting with me until someone else tells me later.

Kim Jong Il and Osama Bin Laden found in a Hooters in Dayton Ohio. Film at 11!

Dear Netflix, we ALL know you exist. STFU with the 40 commercials per hour. You don't see McDonald's doing tha....nevermind. Carry on.

Tyler Perry faces backlash after hiring Kim Kardashian to play Kim Jong Il in his new bio-flick Film at 11!

Kim Jong Il's death surprisingly hasn't lost him any momentum as he's STILL only behind Gingrich by 2 points in a new Fox poll Film at 11!

A lady called me nigger. I was stunned, I didn't stop having sex with her though. Hey, I paid for the FULL hour.

Give me a woman with this look, Rachel Maddow’s intellect and personality (minus the not attracted to dudes part) and increase the melanin…



So, stopping your dramatic monologue near the end and passing around a tip jar is bad? I...MAKE...MY...OWN...RULES!

I tailgate people on elevators...only amateurs use cars.

Fetishes? Me? Nope. I'm going to do EVERYTHING to you.

I'm coming out with a clothing line called "Keeping my career afloat until I'm relevant again" Yes, It will be sold at Walmart.

I have NEVER had a Krispy Kreme donut. Yes, I am stronger than YOU. Also, none are close to me.

I am a horrible negotiator. I can go from "Let's talk" to "Fuck you, fuck this, bye!" two seconds after you stop being honest or fair.

I have some friends who are "Model/Pretty boy" types and although I'm sure that they didn't mean to be insulting (sarcasm)....they were confused by the fact that MORE women wanted me than them. They dated more "Model types", but I was approached by more women in general. I explained:  I have never been handsome, I am not handsome now and I will never be handsome...

   ...but I am CUTE.  

When you get a wrinkle, gain five pounds or a have an imperfection...you're "Losing it".  When that happens to me, I get more "cuddly and masculine". Yeah. You get laid more quickly, but I can get laid more often. SUCK IT! Hahhahahaha! I then assured them that I also did not mean to be insulting.

I'm NOT a 12 year old girl, so I don't care who celebrities are dating. #thenewssucks

I'm NOT watching the #iowadebate. The debates don't get really good until AFTER the 50th one.

Dear lion with seven heads, If one of these people wins....THAT'S your cue! #iowadebate

Dear people who allow negative attacks to decide who they'll vote for instead of doing research...you are morons.

Change

When they reach a certain frequency, requests for your time become disrespectful. If everyone else gets their activities completed and you don't, you have reached that point. There comes a point when you look at the people around you and notice that you are merely a device used to complete tasks. Your feelings, desires and dreams are of no real meaning...to THEM.

 Don't get me wrong, they don't wan't anything bad to happen to you. But tell me, how different is that than the way they feel about the family pet or a favorite pair of shoes?  Many people make the mistake of thinking disrespect has to be overt, brutal, loud or obvious. That type is actually easier to deal with. That person can be dismissed and all hostility and bad feelings travel out of your mind and life with their exit.  But what if they are close to you? What if they are friends? Family? A spouse? Change is necessary. Either their behavior has to change, or their distance from you must. Sometimes, you really do have to think of yourself first. Sometimes, it's the first time you've ever thought of yourself first. It's about time isn't it?

I just got Maury's wife pregnant. THAT show is going to be AWESOME! Maury...I AM the FATHER!

Who wants to buy a tape of Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain fucking? If you said yes...you...need...help. You...are...sick.

The White House will NOT veto National Defense Authorization Act. W...T...F? Does anyone else hear conspiracy theorists laughing at us?

I'm NOT a lying, power hungry whore, so no DC, you DON'T represent ME. FYI, when you start detaining citizens know that I was just kidding.

Christine O'donnell endorses Romney. Makes sense, she's a WITCH and he can't decide WHICH Romney to be.

NOBODY beats Steve Wilkos at musical chairs. NO-FREAKING-BODY!!!

When I greet women, I kiss them on the BUTT cheeks. You're welcome ladies...and it was my pleasure.

Celebrity wife swap. No.

I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu. The commercial is skipping badly but the show is running perfectly. WIN!

The NTSB will soon ban talking to asshole passengers...I'm all for THAT!

Would it be possible to expand the definition of ASSAULT to include overheard conversations, that are so idiotic, that they make you fear the future of society?

After seeing Romney look for a friendly face to talk to and seeing what the Veteran soldier he spoke to did to him (calling him out on his same sex marriage opposition), I can't wait until Gingrich goes to a "Swingers" club...and finds out that they just dance there.

Headline: Gingrich Takes Fidelity Pledge  -MY response: Oh, so THAT was his problem, he forgot to PLEDGE the first two times.

I will be signing copies of my new book:  Act like a woman, dress like a woman, think like a woman because I don't date dudes.   What's weird is I haven't written it yet. Why are all of these people in line? Weirdos.

Rick Perry thinks that he's running for President Of American Apparel

NEVER say "Bite me" to the person that REGULARLY puts your genitals in their mouth. There may be a selective application of your request.

Marcus Bachmann. 1 YEAR from now. Big revelation to Barbara Walters. Count on it.

Special message to women who put out pictures of themselves with their butts and boobs exposed...yet insist on putting their hand over their vagina. Here's a few guy secrets:

We want to SEE your boobs.
We want to SEE your butts.
We want to be IN your vagina.... (it's still the best thing on earth even if we NEVER SEE it, but STILL GET IN IT)    But if it makes you feel better about letting us see your delicious bodies...I'm okay with it.

FYI...you are MORE than THAT to us....but we sure love THAT.

I like those new FORD commercials where the "Everyday Person" is ambushed by a "CELEBRITY STYLE" press conference, but why do they cut off the commercial BEFORE they are caught with the hooker, the blow and the tax evasion charges?

It’s time to “Occupy” all of the businesses, politicians and entertainment companies that back SOPA. How much money do you think you will get, when people buy NONE of your product assholes!?!

Don't say that The Pres has a huge ego, when your choices are betcha 10k Romney and my wife is sick gotta get a new one Gingrich.

"Whoa, WHEN are WE getting OUR credit for this holiday?"
- Pagans

UFC 140....YES!  140TH GOP Debate?.....NO.

Compassion is NOT a BAD thing. Rugged individualism and Societal responsibility are only mutually exclusive to Ideologs without depth.

Newt Gingrich Doubles Down, Says We Should Replace Janitors With Five Year Olds (Then who's going to drive me to gigs? This guy is just irresponsible!)

Trump says that Obama shouldn't get credit for killing Osama Bin Laden in a weak attempt to "out stupid" Rick Perry. Nope, please try again.

"AppeEEEEEasement.... AppeEEEEEasement.... AppeEEEEEasement.... "
-Mitt Romney learns a NEW word and uses it inaccurately.

Familiar with Flo from PROGRESSIVE? How can I put this? I was pantless, she just left, I have FREE FULL COVERAGE FOR LIFE. That is all.

We're STILL talking about Alec Baldwin's flight? That must mean that World hunger, Income inequality and Healthcare problems are OVER! YAY!

I'm only 17 points behind Romney in Iowa. And yes BOTH black people voted for me....it had NOTHING to do with race!

To the people that smirk as the voting rights of minorities and the poor are taken away, I have one question. You don't think that they'll stop with THEM do you? Yeah, you're next. ENJOY!

Dear Newt, we get it, you're racist. You can shut up now.

Rick Santorum. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry, saying your name with a straight face is impossible now.

I'm hosting the last debate. My only question? ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING NUTS!?!

We all know that Rick Perry is a bigoted numskull, right? Oh, trolls...blow me. (Just wanted to put that out there.)

Dear people who initiate online conversations with attacks, epithets, and tough language... What is your endgame? Do you really think that a person you've never met is likely to be moved to YOUR ideology via your childish behavior? Do you not know that saying "Hello" while quaint, is important? Also important, respect. Try it sometime. You may be surprised at the amount of learning that can be done. ADULTS do that. TROLLS do not. (FYI, venting online is DIFFERENT than being RUDE in conversation) Chose which you want to be. If you choice is "TROLL"...move on. I have no time for you. I'm an ADULT. Thanks.

I just kicked Alec Baldwin's ass for playing Sudoku in an elevator. GANGSTA!

Ironic that Bill O'Reilly referenced Soul Train, he doesn't have one and wouldn't be caught dead on the other. Also he's an a-hole.

"Food Stamp President" Newt? That's interesting coming from a "Maury Guest GOP CANDIDATE"

(New definition)  Coprophagia: Noun
Watching Fox (News?) in a non-ironic way

Prostitution IS legal in two places that I know of, Nevada....and The House of Representatives

Also, just to let everyone know, I don't respond to trolls. So save the name calling, epithets and insults for one who is not above them.

"Oh yeah? YOU try to fail on such a massive scale! You can't can you? Loser!" - A guy who doesn't know how arguments work

Not to judge people by their looks, but Scott Walker looks like that little worm-like guy in school who screwed with people because he could.

Those of you following me because of how cute I look in my avi, please do it on twitter only...and get off of my fucking lawn.

Bachmann...Palin...Me...sex tape.... huh? Don't act like you wouldn't buy it.

I just became the front runner in the GOP. These people will vote for ANYBODY!

I'm going to start a movement to make adult diapers cool. Yeah, I'm THAT good.

I don't brush my teeth counterclockwise, I brush them counterintuitively...my eyes hurt.

Women...your ass + stretch marks = me seeing your nude ass = me very happy = you even happier. Now...enough talking....

"Dear flies, you will stick to fly paper and die. Don't do that, we want to eat you." - Bigger insects

Okay Newt, I get it. Your campaign is just a live, real world version of "The Producers". Well played Andy Kaufman 2.0, well played...

S. Anthony says... (Facial expression flashback)

Something weird happened to me just now. I was in the corner store and saw something that really brought back an interesting moment of decision from my teen years. Let me explain. I started doing standup comedy when I was 17 years old. At that age, no matter the profession, you are impressionable.

I wanted to fit in with the other comics, most of whom where 10-20 years older that I was. Being adults, they used adult material and language. I never cursed in my real life...but to fit in I began to do so in my shows. One of the other things done was "crowd work". That's when a comic engages in a conversation with audience members (usually just a device to smoothly lead into previously prepared material). Some comics, and I am one, use "crowd work" to ad-lib and keep the show fresh for myself as well as the audience. Another aspect of "crowd work" is making fun of the crowd. Sometimes a comic will ridicule an audience member (not caring if that person is embarrassed) just to get laughs from others.

This brings me to the flashback that I had. I was in the store and one of the employees "playfully" teased a regular customer about his weight. He laughed...but I could see the micro-expression on his face that told me that the "teasing" hurt him a little. I've seen that face before. I saw it from stage as a 17 year old. I was doing a sold out show in New Jersey and the set was going great. I began to do "crowd work", as I spoke to a man in the audience I began talking about something that hit a little too close to home with this man. He laughed...but I could tell that I had accidently hurt this man's feelings.

I was able to get out of the situation and after the show he hugged me. I didn't know it, but he was aware of my choice to back off and move on. He explained why he was glad that I had moved off of the subject, and after he told me why, I was also glad that I had. I won't betray his confidence even after all of these years, but I had come close to really hurting this guy's feelings inadvertently. It was at that moment that I decided that I would not allow my comedy to hurt people. I still remember the look on that man's face.... I saw it again in the store today. The message? Words can hurt, and heal. It's our choice. I have made my choice.

P.S. (None of that applies to lying politicians, fuck them.)

Headline: TIGER’S BACK: First Win In Two Years
My response: Uh oh, he’s fucking strippers again…


"Nothing tastes better than a warm glass of "MILF"..."
- Newt Gingrich going after Herman Cain supporters

I’m trying to be a “good boy” and wait until I’m in my next relationship BEFORE I do any more “power banging“….but….

Have YOU ever just wanted to tie someone to your headboard and lick their moist places until the calendar changes?

Asking for no reason…

When one uses inaccuracies to rant on a popular movement to boost a podcast, you're NOT pimping the system, you're a broken system's WHORE.

With Herman Cain out of the cheating business, SOMEONE has to service all of those MILFS with bad taste. HERE I COME LADIES!!!

“Wait, THOSE guys (Cain, Gingrich) get to STAY in the race!?! W…T…F!?!”  — John Edwards

Project “Do what it takes to REGULARLY FILL places THIS size”….

…begins… NOW!


Namaste.

Michelle Obama sent an email saying that she wanted to meet me. Michelle...NO, IT can NEVER be! Huh? It was MASS email? I knew that...

Chris Christie, rapidly achieving his goal of being a bigger disingenuous troll than Rudy Giuliani. (Not a fat joke, I don't do those)

Cash Strapped.....A NEW sex game. (FYI, my company has discontinued COIN STRAPPED. Too many injuries)

Headline:

Ann Coulter Advocates Shooting Occupy Protesters

MY response to her:

(She's running out of shocking things to say now. In two years she'll be in a 2 girls 1 cup prequel.)

Who put all of this apple juice in my arsenic!?! Frauds!

I have officially fallen in love with women with little asses too. That is all.

Gingrich/Cain 2012. Watch out ladies! If the oval office is rockin' don't come knockin'

My "on my way out" statement is much better than my "exit interview".

TicketMASTER? MASTER? Call me when you're TicketEQUAL! The BLACK man has SPOKEN!

Mr. Cain, it was a Republican that sank you NOT a Democrat. A Republican penis. Look down and you'll see the guilty party.

Wait, you DON'T get a MILF when you order a slice of pizza? Herman Cain IS A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could someone do my thinking for me? I'm sick of critical thinking and wanting the best for myself. Huh? Fox news is on line one? Cool!

Whoever invents boob flavored coffee...will be the worlds FIRST Trillionaire...and MY hero.

‎"What!?! You were SERIOUS with HER!?! We though that you were only OUR hoe!" - The Koch Brothers after finding out about Herman Cain's 13 year affair

It’s funny how you can LOVE a TV show, or even a person… one little change happens, like a time slot change or a move across town and you go “Eh, I’ll get to it or get to him/her”…and NEVER do. Thus my relationship with Criminal Minds and my cousin Jim.

Had sex last night. Apparently I'm still great at it. Also, hookers DO have discount cards. Next time I get a free prostate milking! Yay!

I don't like Facebook's new colonoscopy app. A little intrusive.

I have decided that I'll pee directly on my NEXT woman's butt cheeks ...and just end that "Toilet seat" argument FOREVER! Yeah, me = genius!

I don't have a strong body odor, so to fit in with the rest of you I rub myself against sleeping homeless people. Yeah, THAT'S why...

Thanks for washing my car god.

Don't worry world, I've learned not to expect much....for now.

I want to do the "fingers in my ears la la la I can't hear you" thing as an adult in a serious situation just to see people's reaction.

I just beat up a bunch of people at the return counter of Walmart over their $2.00 waffle makers.

I don't know you but I disagree with you on (insert subject), so you are an (insert childish insult & epithet) (Affirm idiocy loudly)

Forget JOGGING, my memory runs mara....marath...mar...

LINE! Oh, marathons.

I'm teaching a thong only yoga class. Kim K? Well?

*stands by a pig pen holding bread, eggs and cheese* "Your time will come..." *maniacal laughter*

WEB trolls have one inch penises...on their foreheads. THAT'S why they hide like punk asses. Also, you may now openly call them dick heads

I don't want to fight with you, but I'm looking right at "it' and it is NOT beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Stop building "it's" hopes up. "It" still just looks like a rainy Sunday. You're cruel dude.

"Did you have an "affair" with her Mr Cain, and I don't mean a party or gathering"
"You just screwed up my verbal escape hatch... a-hole!"

What's the 15th secret of fight club?
We recruit on black Friday. Tell your grandma...SHE IS IN! I love the way she bit that guard!

“So, ladies…what are your DEAL BREAKERS? (Behavioral or request type)

Butt stuff?

Prenups?

Getting relatives of yours pregnant?”
—      Some guy who isn't me

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....or some fat guy is sneaking into your house thru the chimney to sleep with your wife. Again.

Stop generalizing people. It's not cool....I should know because I'm MUCH better than ALL of YOU. Well, judging by THIS guy here...

I'm sharpening my OUTSIDE doorknob, so there will be a nice surprise for mean spirited people when it hits them in the ass on the way out.

Sam Brownback sucks. *walks to the front door to wait for old high school principal to come out of retirement and chastise me*

I love movies with a truck load of BIG stars in it. They ALWAYS turn out to be GREAT! *holds nose to keep it from extending*

I believe in evolution. The only problem I have with it, is it's propensity to go into reverse whenever "Adults" "Discuss" religion or politics. Shame.

NBA. Christmas Day. Don't have to talk to my family that day. YAY!

Have you ever seen someone get so much airbrushing that you wonder why they even needed to show up in the first place?

My sister and I were trying to decide which one of us was going to buy our uncle's TV. I have it...because I PEPPER SPRAYED THE SHIT OUT OF HER!

Judging by the uniform colors, I think Stanford should change the team name to the “Stanford Grading Pencils”

NEW Euphemism ALERT!!!! If you know someone with 2 good ideas and 60 fucked up ideas...say that they're "Ron Paul-ing"

In the eyes of a ranger, The unsuspected stranger Had better know the truth of wrong from right, 'cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you, ...

Shut up.

You know that person who shows up just to complain, can't find anything after SEVERAL tries...then CREATES something to complain about? THAT. *sigh*

Joey Greico must get laid and laid and laid.

“Ladies, please stop saying “I’ve never done THIS before”. Why?
1) We don’t care
2) We don’t believe you
3) We’ve seen film of you doing THAT online”
 — Dudes

ALL of MY Fridays are BLACK Fridays, what's the big deal? Also, where is MY low priced stuff!?!? RIPOFF!

"Hey, dude, NO ONE has teeth THAT white. I'll bet you'll have jet black hair when you're 80. Stop it" - EVERYONE with eyes

Wake up at 2am to sleep in a tent for the OPPORTUNITY to BUY shit AND AMUSE d-bag store owners exerting short term power? Me? Uh...NO.


I am too MASSIVE to EVER be LESS than anyone or anything. Tell the little voice in your head to say THAT and not the regular negative crap that it always does...and you'll see how TRUE it is by the results in your everyday life.

Also, you'll get more ACTION. Ya dig?

Thanksgiving day parade...of relatives...into my house. Where are the costumed people with ropes when I need them? pull these people out!!

The Packers are 11-0, but I'm 13-0 with your sister.

The market was like a wet t-shirt contest, but instead of water it was turkey drippings and cheese stains and instead of women...dudes.

****

Food $250
Gas driving their asses around $60

Teasing your young relatives for getting WAY too dressed up because their boyfriends/girlfriends are coming over....PRICELESS.

"Coward? ME? I've got balls as big as xy canis majoris!" - A nerd

****

Kohl's® is using Rebbeca Black's "Friday" song.

Shark jumped.

Customer lost.

FIRST LADY of the UNITED States.

THIS is Michelle Obama….FIRST LADY of the UNITED States.

You DO NOT boo this woman, she is the kind of woman, if you’re lucky, IS your boo.

Also, if you booed her, fuck you.

Deny it was racist all you want.

We (people who AREN’T racist) see you.

Too bad you can’t see yourselves.

Gentlemen start your….EVOLUTION!

Advice from the S. man (Online "LOVE")

Look, I get it. Your "brilliant" essay about world peace got 2 "likes" and some other person puts up a picture of their elbow and they get 100 "likes". It's the same on ALL social networking sites. Sorry. You have three choices if this bothers you:

1. Get the fuck over it. It's people that you don't know pushing a button on their computer, NOT a referendum on your worth as a person.
2. Genuinely not giving a shit and just being happy that you get to express yourself. (This also includes just being grateful that people give you "love") FYI, THIS is MY personal choice.
3. Finding followers that give a shit about what you write and care enough to give you that little button push ("Love") that you so desire.

THOSE are your ONLY choices. Sorry.

Damned economy! Have you noticed on "Cheaters" that they NOW say "....investigative charges may apply."? WHAT? You film people's BIGGEST humiliation for YOUR show....THEN HAND THEM A FREAKING BILL!?! Change your name to SCAMMERS!


If someone speaks with an accent, and they say something to you, DON'T repeat what they said back to them in your version of their accent....
...because you sound like a d-bag.

My favorite daytime talk show is the "Old White dudes watching Blacks, Latinos and poor Whites make bad decisions & yell for no reason show"

"If I'm in a relationship with you, I'm going to try to get up in you pretty much every time we are alone." -ALL men to ALL women

I consider the doubts, distractions, obstacles and cruelty of others nothing more than coal that I will use to fuel my internal fire. Whoops, I need to use clean fuel to make my point....uh...Okay, the tsunami of negativity toward my dream will turn the turbines of....nope. Uh...I will not get skin cancer from the UVA rays of your disbelief, instead it will activate the solar cells of my...no that is even worse.

Alright, lets keep this simple. Haters, fuck you...I'm about to run shit! Yeah, THAT works.

Why don't we get to CHOOSE our family?

(Inflammatory political or religious comment designed to get angry responses)  Yeah, deal with it!

Seasoned Salt...for when your high blood pressure meds get too full of themselves.

"Let's fire heart surgeons and let kids do it, their little fingers can get to those clogged arteries BETTER than adults!" #GingrichCare

Keep this quiet. I now have hot chocolate in the morning instead of coffee. I mean...oh crap coffee is coming back into the room! Be cool, don't say anything! What did you say coffee? What's in the cup? YOU of course. Alright, see you later... she's not ready for the truth yet.

Hand sanitizer....silently telling strangers that you think they're disgusting pigs since 1988

Remember when a "Media Whore" was a person who needed attention and not an accurate description of the media itself? #OccupytheMedia

Since my TV pitch didn't get purchased, I'm going to knock up several violent young women....hey, SPRINGER IS TELEVISION TOO! Don't judge me!

Gingrich Unveils Alternative To Social Security In NH His "Die miserably while ignored" plan gets IMMEDIATE backing from Rand Paul... Film at 6


YOU drink coffee in the morning, I drink coffee at NIGHT...and STILL get my sleep.
Caffeine is SCARED OF ME!!!!! Yeah! I'm the man!



Angry unidentified pedestrian:

"You are occupying the city, I'm tired of it and I hope they throw you out!"

Occupy protester:

"I really am sorry for the inconvenience sir, but we're doing this to help all of us...including people like you"

Angry unidentified pedestrian:

"Whatever lady...."

Super rich guy watching from his personalized blimp:

*in the Mr Burns voice from the Simpsons* "Excellent!"

So, just as there might be BIG defense cuts...spys get caught and we may have to use military force. Conspiracy theorists.....GO!

I'm going to name my FIRST hour special "Pepper spray and Tasers". I DARE you to not give me a "Standing O" *grabs pepper spray & taser*

Had "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield LOUD in my car.
The dope boys on the corner bobbed their heads.
Too bad 80's rock can't stop bullets.

No congressman, I don't think you want ME to call you.

Anyone have a time machine I can borrow? I need to keep bullies from dunking Grover Norquist's head in the toilet. You know it happened. I mean, to be such a mean spirited turd, something must have fucked him up.

I am so embarrassed right now. This lady caught me sneaking a peek at her boobs. She yelled at me and made it WORSE. "How did you get in my shower you freak!?!" What an ego on her. I was stalking HER ROOMMATE. Ha! Jokes on her. With her Ashy knees, she should be flattered...

MY dream? To marry the token black lady that's ALWAYS off to the side in national "night out on the town with my girls" TV commercials.

I NEVER lie to myself because BEFORE I talk to myself I make ME wear a lie detector...Ha! I fooled ME, I'm really MY other personality.

Dear officer, if you can pepper spray kids sitting on the ground with their arms locked...what do you do to YOUR kids behind closed doors?

Many times, in the world in which I travel, I find that I am the ONLY black person there. It's uncomfortable because...hahahahahahahaha! Get the fuck outta here! Do you really think that I would EVER let someone make ME uncomfortable? Get real! Hahahaha!

I always preferred "Janet" to "Chrissy". I'm a REAL man.

Honk all you want, I'm NOT leaving until I see a "GREEN" GO sign.....nice gun. See ya!

Dear reality contest shows, go AWAY long enough for people to MISS you.

I'm thinking of voting for Mitt Romney. No I'm not voting for Mitt Romney, who said that? See how annoying that is Mitt?

Bachmann, Palin....now you see how the hot crazy girl in college turned out. STILL mad that she dropped you for the quarterback? Exactly...

Shake a stranger's hand, take two steps back...then apply hand sanitizer while looking at them with disgust....FUN!

I just went onto a website for gross and disgusting pictures and hackers had flooded the site with cat pictures and inspirational cartoons. FACEBOOK STRIKES BACK!!! Take THAT hackers!

"Young hot women knitting. Stop it. Thanks." - Erections

"The Myth" is TRUE ladies. Yup. My ass IS higher than my white friend's asses.

Really inventive commercial = lame ass product. That is all.

Chemicals can be HARMLESS separately, but POISONOUS together. Words too. "Fox" & "News" Harmless. "Fox News"...poisonous.

"STOP...putting wacky outfits...on your animals. STOP. Thanks." - People who are A LITTLE LESS anthropomorphic than YOU

S. Anthony says... (The Lesson "CELEBRITY VERSION")

Memories. Watching the news this morning I ran across a well known News Anchor that I had previously hosted a Celebrity Roast for. She was literally one of the nicest people that I had ever met. I say this because she was great to me BEFORE she knew who I was.

It's amazing how meeting people can change how you feel about them. She was awesome, but a LOCAL celebrity was the complete opposite. This person was condescending, insulting, slightly racist and a bit of a dick. This guy literally looked AROUND me while I was getting his info for his introduction. He summarily dismissed me as if my existence annoyed him. It was not just my feeling, people near us said to me "Damn, I used to be a fan of his show, but he was really rude to you! Fuck that guy!"

Did I mention that I WAS THE HOST of the show? Did I mention that it was a ROAST? Did I mention that I NEVER TAKE THAT KIND OF SHIT FROM ANYONE? Oh, yeah...I got deep in this d-bags ass. You see, I write and perform....AT A PRO level and have for YEARS. You do not want to engage in a war of words. Although I choose not to launch them.....I carry NUKES.

His dust is NOW in a vase on my mantel. Lesson learned.

Horseplay with a young boy in the shower. DON'T DO THAT!
(Things you should just know)

Hey hackers, INSTEAD of putting disgusting decapitation pictures on Facebook, how about doing something to make it suck LESS!

Men, I have had my penis deep in MANY vaginas. They ALL feel GREAT. Don't hurt someone you care about just so you can sneak into some OTHER lady's vagina.

Calm the fuck down. I'm talking to you too Kutcher. (Allegedly)

Demi Moore newly single. Justin Bieber NOT a father. Coincidence? Discuss.

Politician accidentally tells the truth in a political ad and spontaneously combusts. Film at 11. Marshmallow roast at 11:02.

A strange man walks up to my door, I open it and he tries to walk in.

"Hey, who are you bro?"

"Come on unc!"

"Unc? I don't know you!"

"It's me, your nephew!"

"Prove it, turn your back to me and dismissively acknowledge me over your shoulder as you surf the web on your phone like a knucklehead."

"Alright.... I'm sorry. Message received."

"Good. I'm STILL not letting you in."

Both laugh.

*****

Breaking News! Congress redefines cupcakes as "Antioxidant clusters" film at 11!

"How do you let THAT hottie out of the bed at all? Wow, what deliciousness!"
-Things that will be said to my future wife (YES THEY WILL!)

Armpit diarrhea. Yeah. Armpit fart people, you are no longer valid.

I've got the traffic channel on in the background. I want to see if "Bored to death" is really a thing.

Forget "Electric", MY car runs on "Leave it near E and make any young relative who borrows it fill it up" Yeah, I go GREEN. Bills are green.

My mom feels young again. She NOW knows she's YEARS away from being old enough for a pepper spray blast by the rogue members of the NYPD.

Oh, "Bottom feeder" is an insult. I thought that Websters Dictionary had FINALLY accepted my suggestion and FORMALLY named one of the things that I like to do to ladies that I'm in a relationship with.

MY bad.

Just watched the Jerry Sandusky interview. This guy is going to do MORE for "Getting people to WANT to do jury duty" than anyone. If you listen closely to the jury room you'll probably hear people practicing their "Guilty on ALL counts!" proclamations.

Dear future cellmate...we won't blame you. I'm not saying that I hope something happens...I'm just saying, future cellmate...we won't blame you.


It’s funny, NOT ONE PERSON who knows me in real life has asked me what I would have done if I was the one who had caught Sandusky with that little boy in the shower. They ALL made statements…”Oh, I KNOW YOU would have f*cked him up!”

They’re RIGHT.



LAST call for a seat on the train going to "The wrong side of history"....

Congress?

Extremist Governors?

Lie spewing talking heads and radio hosts?

Cowardly Mayors?

Anti-middle class business people?

Oh? You're ALREADY ALL on. Close the doors, it's time to pull of.



As a protest to jackasses wearing their pants low, I'm calling on EVERYONE OVER 28 to wear their pants up near their chest. And say nothing.



Just watched Gabrielle Giffords interview. Even though she's recovering from that vicious attack, you can still see what an impressive woman she is. It's easy to see why he loves her so much.



Dear birds, I now let the 3 cats on my block sleep on my car. Your move assholes.

Chili cheese fries....why? Who was the culinary mass murderer who invented this stuff? Also, WHAT A WAY TO GO!!!! Yeah!!!!!

Why was my dental hygienist rinsing and spitting when I woke up? Also, why do I need to do a follow up at her house...daily?

Ironic, he's the subject of sexual harassment charges but he's been willingly giving fellatio to the Koch brothers for years. #hermancain

Who built this Starbucks in the middle of the occupy protest site? Missing...the point!

Look flowers! Blue. Orange. 3x + 5 = 20 (x=5)
Sorry, my left and right brains are fighting again.....LAVENDER! Grapes are soft!

I'm going to wait until EVERYONE gets a reality show...then I'm going to become a recluse. I will be so freaking famous!!!!

Even my cellphone knew that calling you was a horrible idea. In the space where the reception bars would be were the words "Fuck, NO!"

No longer giving a damn.....riiiiiight......NOW.


Sexual tension. It’s wonderful isn’t it? It’s even wonderful if you in NO WAY act on it outwardly. You know what I mean, you see someone that activates your reptilian brain, but you do NOTHING either because you already have someone or you just know that having THIS person in your life would be a BAD IDEA.

What is NOT fun, is sexual tension used to manipulate someone. We see it all the time. It’s like taking advantage of someone when they’re drunk. It’s a pretty nasty thing to do. It’s infuriating when you realize that you were “played” AFTER the fact, but to me it’s even worse when you know what’s going on while it’s happening.

I know what she’s trying to do. NOT going to happen…but nice try.

Does NOT having Thanksgiving at MY house, thus eliminating the possibility of me killing my relatives, make me pro-life?

I’m going to succeed on a grand scale and have what I want, so shut the fuck up and leave…or shut the fuck up and watch. YOUR choice!”
 — Inspirational quote WITHOUT the flowery words by… S. Anthony Thomas

ANOTHER debate. Now I know what people feel like when they get roped in to watching a friends talentless child at a recital. One of the differences...children have an excuse for not knowing or understanding things. Also, children are WILLING TO LEARN AND ADAPT to NEW information. There is no shame in changing your opinion when new information is available. THAT is not a flip flop. Changing just to look better to the extremes of a party IS A FLIP FLOP. It's a shame that we have gotten to the point where people CANNOT tell the difference. "Intellectual curiosity" should be placed on the endangered species list. Several of the poachers will be on display tonight. Enjoy the debate!

Women love it when they catch you looking at their bodies and licking your lips.

 LATER

Let me update my earlier advice: YOUR woman loves it when she catches you looking at her body and licking your lips. Sorry. I've got to visit my friend in the ER. He didn't get the update...he got an uppercut.

Just heard a 70 year old man use the phrase "Hit that and quit that"...so people, you are no longer allowed to say that.

I'm going to start doing drugs, humping hookers, acting like an ass and spending too much money NOW so you CAN'T say fame changed me. Yup!

Just got home from a great rehearsal. The whole audience gave me oral afterward. Okay, I was performing at a brothel...but oral is oral.

I wish Joe Paterno was a little More Joe Pa·ter·nal.

"The TWO little Pigs" by Rick Perry.

Uh, how about rioting at the house of the alleged rapist or in protest of the child abuse instead? Just a thought. #PennState

I have NEVER and could NEVER hate a person because of their race, but if I did, I still couldn't hate them enough to do THIS to MY country.

Perry forgets the third agency, Cain forgets grabbing women, Romney forgets what he said an hour ago.  We've all forgotten the others...

Jim DeMint, make your point ANOTHER way, NOT voting AGAINST SOLDIERS . Our soldiers deserve our help when they get home...oh and fuck you.

Don't buy a Capuchin monkey and ask "if it has reached the age of consent yet?"...not good. Not good at all.

If you are a company that has an elderly customer base....STOP HAVING CONFUSING WEBSITES YOU MORONS!!!!

Walmart Plans To Capitalize On Primary Care Shortage By Adding Medical Services:
 And now you have the answer to the question….”Why do all of the 9 year old Chinese kids here have on scrubs?”

It's NOT SHOCKING that Joe Paterno is retiring, you do know that he's 700 years old, right?


When you're doing something that ISN'T mandatory and it stops being fun....STOP DOING THAT SHIT!!!
I have yet to find an exception to this rule.

I wish my tree would stop pooping leaves on my car. I think I heard it say "take that...you should have stopped that dog from peeing on me"

Which one of the debaters is Keyser Söze ?

So, the NBA (something people want) is locked out, but we still get a full season of 82 GOP debates? What's the over/under on idiocy?

"We are Penn State!" is now "WE...are Penn State? Who told you that shit? No, uh...we are uh...gotta go!"     It sounds better when 50,000 people say it.
No it doesn't.

Damn Rick, at least "W" HAD WORDS to mess up.   "Mission...uh...uh...uh..."
- If Rick Perry was President and NOT "W".

I have NEVER done drugs. I HAVE had sex with TWO women at once. I win dope heads. I WIN!

People in SERIOUS relationships should wear rings too, to save us "hitting on them time" Also, women who WILL get it on with me should wear a hat saying "I am open to getting it on with S. Anthony" Yup.

Herman Cain caught in bed with Joe Paterno. Film at 11.

I'm using "Fore"square, that'll tell you where I'll be next week. (FYI, I lie to "Fore"square...enjoy those nonexistent addresses!)

Kim K's ass files for a legal separation. I of course will offer MY services as a safe haven.

"Hey baby, let me stick in this tab and check my sugar" - Diabetic guy on "sex night" with his wife

Did you know that they have this stuff called de-caffeinated coffee? What will they think of next? Well, I've got to rotary dial my mom now.

Why, when you work on your car, do the five strangers that come to you with advise, know NOTHING about cars, BUT won't shut the hell up?

I'm hoping to add a "don't let stupid people and a-holes near S. Anthony" law to the ballot. I need YOUR help. ARE YOU WITH ME!?!

Dude, you're trying to pick up a woman in a BMW from a bus window? Do you pay your rent with powerball tickets too? Reality bro, reality...

I just bought a $1 cheeseburger because it reminded me of my broke days in LA. Also, my bank account.  ;-)

So, I guess washing machines are now among the devices that we have decided to stop improving, huh?


Listening to pill popping radio bigots causes soul cancer.
(Atheist version) Listening to pill popping radio bigots causes logic cancer.

I think women that say "bewbs" instead of "boobs" are hot.

When one of you sees the first "occupy" or "99%" themed porn, please inform me of it. Thanks.

2 broke girls (who'll take hush money) - Herman Cain's favorite show

Cellulite, stretch marks blah blah blah. I’m a straight man. Do you have girl parts? Okay then, we’re good.”
—  ALL men who aren't ass wipes. Yes, all 14 of us. (Sorry to throw you under the bus guys…but I DON’T want to be in YOU.)

"My relationship With Obama Has Grown 'Frosty" - John Boehner
"It's better than our non existent relationship John!" - Facts & reality

The next teen or twenty something that blurts out random rap lyrics to me in lieu of conversation is getting triangle choked. Dig?

Never say this to a woman. You will get injured: “Girl, I’ll work that booty so hard your stretch marks will look start to look like my signature!”

I just heard a commercial for a product that tried to take advantage of the 99% movement. Feel free impulsive fringe to smash their windows.

I just watched the Blair Witch Project again, but I watched it at 32x normal speed so that ghost would kill those annoying ass kids quicker.


The Headline: 'Liz Cheney Weighs In On Herman Cain Harassment Scandal'
-- MY first thought "I don't give a nano fuck what she thinks"

Ever suggest something gross and kinky to a lady and not only was she cool with it...she had the devices in her drawer? You'd think I'd be weirded out by that but nope, I was okay with it.

“The shame of politics and news in the US? The lack of nuanced thought. Some things require MORE than bumper sticker slogans. We’re adults, right?”

I want to do this innocuous post so my poignant post just now isn't DIRECTLY followed by jokes about boobs and butts. BOOBS!! Damn.

We must heal our political system *crickets*
 My cat wears funny hats *like like like like like like like like like like....*
- FACEBOOK

Alright, who wants to get pregnant?

I want to download all of the ominous music in political ads so I can play it if I ever I feel like being a misinforming jackass.

 Facebook uses words in your posts to create unique ads If you type "Facebook sucks" the ad says "Tell me about it! Duh!" Technology...

Sex tape no. Big mirrors on rollers near the bed, yes. (Also hidden HD cameras and testicle microphones)

When they say use CLR to clean your "tool", they are NOT speaking colloquially...and OW!

Remember it's tomorrow and it's Bank TRANSFER Day, NOT Bank Robbery Day. Also does anyone know a bonds person that'll take your word for it?

"Herman Cain got that lady pregnant, NOT Justin Bieber. Leave the Bieb alone!" -no one has EVER uttered those words before

I WILL NEVER run for public office. I've never harassed anyone but MY campaign couldn't survive the shit I've done consensually.

Remember "Pop up video" on VH1? Someone do that to political commercials please. You only need to use the word "Bullshit" See? Easy.

Herman Cain "fingers" Rick Perry? Damn, that guy just can't stop.

SOMETIMES a society, much like a person working out has to endure some pain BEFORE the reward. (But if you start losing your ass, stop please ladies...wait, what!?)

2900 "S. Antneeites" on Facebook! Yeah! My single with Nicki Minaj, Alicia Keys & Prince doesn't drop Nov 3rd because I don't sing or know these people.

Google+ is like a night club in LA. You know a lot of people are there...but everyone hides in the corner and pretends to not see each other.

NRA (National Rifle Assoc) tries to STOP control of guns. NRA (National Restaurant Assoc) tries to stop Cain's accusers. Those letters suck!

I just incorporated because I wanted to feel MORE like a person. Didn't work, but I'm now worth 27 billion because I became an oil company.

A guy who SEES his wife cheating, keeps getting STD's from her & STAYS makes BETTER choices than those who elected & support THIS congress.

"Please STOP calling Herman Cain PIZZA MAN! It's insulting and degrading....to US!" - Pizza

I just signed up for "fivesquare", it's a new site that gives the WRONG location so I have enough time to avoid your stalking asses.

If you've ever rubbed your "deal" between your woman's butt cheeks while she slept, YOU are sick because I've NEVER done or thought of that.

Watching Rove turn on a Republican is weird and backward. It's like the titty sucking the baby...what? That makes no sense, sorry I'm tired.

I made a mistake and used "Grover Norquist Pledge®" on my car wind shield and now I can only see out of the far right side of it.

"MY best interest? I'm NOT voting for THAT!" - idiots

Dear politicians, NO ONE needs to LEAK things to damage you when you're OPENLY nuts. So...relax.

I'm suing the lottery because MY nickname is "Powerballs". Don't think taking off the "s" will save you! I know you ripped me off!!!

C'mon GOP, hiring guys to stand outside of women's vaginas holding a stop sign? That's your idea of birth control? Really? Too far guys. Too far!

Texas Judge violently assaults disabled daughter....just because you wear a black robe, it doesn't mean you're not a piece of shit.

"That was incredible! Where did you learn that!?!" - hot lady stunned that sex with nice guys can be great too

"Congressperson! Supreme Court Justice! Bank CEO!" - foul mouthed kids yelling insults at hookers from their cars

"Vaginas.... Thanks!" - Me

"Forget SPRINT ladies, I have the best "Unlimited Plan"....if you know what I mean" - Sometimes I like to pretend to be a d-bag

Rush Limbaugh accused the "Mainstream media" of racism...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

"Hey honey, listen! I don't just put MY penis inside of just ANY woman... I mean I would, but they won't let me."

I'm just sitting here in the Maury greenroom because apparently hot women just walk in and make out with strangers.

Forget about the Kim K, Serena Williams and J. Lo asses ladies. Forget about the Olivia Wilde and Stacey Keibler asses too. The most beautiful ass to a real man is the ass of the woman he loves. Not the media's choice of what's beautiful. Also beautiful, an ass covered in whipped cream remnants and your saliva....on other days sweet peppers, fried onions (cooled off of course), provolone cheese gratings and your saliva. Yeah...those media people are fucking weird.


"Call me one of the good blacks! Call me one of the good blacks!"
 - A black guy having sex with Ann Coulter

"Our Blacks Are Better Than Their Blacks!" - Ann Coulter leading a séance that contacted the spirits of feuding slave owner neighbors

Young men that live with women for the first time, her showers that are LONGER than 10 minutes= you will probably be fucking soon. Unless you do something stupid to screw it up. Just so you know.

Hey Herman Cain, that smile at the end of your weird campaign ad has "Sexual Harassment" written all over it!



I would love 72 days with Kim K. They would have to be spread out over a couple of years though...

Happy "Get annoyed by OTHER people's children begging at your door" day!

I'm trying to get "hating your relatives" accepted as an Olympic sport. If I can, that gold medal is MINE!!!!

TV, tell the truth, you're not even trying anymore are you? Come on, you can tell me...

Rick Perry....crazy speech. That's better than sexual harassment. YOUR turn Herman Cain.

If you bring your kid to MY house after 8pm on Halloween...I'm handing out really loud noise makers. Yeah, let's see how YOU like being annoyed!

One of my nephews is going with friends to feed the homeless on thanksgiving. Great. I can't wait to steal stuff from his room when he's gone.

Of all of the places that had "occupy" protests, the last city that I thought would have police fuck people up would be Denver.

Alright, I have 2000 followers now on twitter. Where is MY Kardashian?

Pat Buchanan: Occupy Wall Street Is "Going To End Very, Very Badly"
 --The rest of the world: "So is your biography"

For Halloween I'm going out as an adult sized child that's not too embarrassed to beg his neighbors for candy and then act like it didn't happen the next day.

Ginger Ale is the sweat collected from redheads kept in captivity. Sorry, it's NOT just from the HOT ones. Hey, they're trying to cut costs

Spittoon by the bed means you're gonna get head. - Things that I'm embarrassed to tweet, but just did anyway

Dear gorgeous women walking around with angry looks on your face...STOP THAT! It's like watching someone burn art.

When I see how much damage a couple of super rich guys can do, I wonder how much good equally powerful good folk could do. To test this theory, I'm taking donations. I'll only need 50-60 billion. LET'S GO!!!!!!

Stop wanting someone that DOESN'T want YOU. It will ALWAYS end badly. Hey, to make you feel better, I'll do you, okay? Feel better now?

"I am in the 1%, not financially, I mean at giving that good lovin'!"
- things guys say that make a woman change her mind about sex with him... (not)

****

CLEAN bill of health from the Doctor. I can start REALLY WORKING OUT again!!!!

Helloooooooo old body. See you SOON!!

…and Standup, keep that bed warm for me girl. I’ll be home SOON!

YES!

****

Someone please digitize my life lessons and upload them to Madden. Maybe if I pop up in their video games my little cousins will hear me!

In this economy, don't give out expensive tickets, kick guys in the nads...like the schmuck who tailgated me on an obviously icy street.

I want to ask myself why I bother, but I realize now that it's easier to just not bother.

All of the great cameras and not one neighbor hot enough to illegally tape through a hole in her shower wall. Times are tough.

Give me a tee-shirt as a present, I will strangle you with it. You have now been warned. (Unless you are a hot lady wearing it, then cool!)

Change is inevitable, learn from history BEFORE we lose people to the struggle again. People in power...history is NOT on YOUR side.

No one has EVER gotten laid while watching Nick jr...EVER.

Dear guy in the car behind me, I can see things that you can't... so shut the fuck up, or drive around me and get hit by the cop car coming.

My gift? I can have pleasurable, informative & funny conversations with ANYONE. You'd know that if you weren't such a freaking loser. Oops.

"Thanks for beating him up and not sleeping with him, now look what we have to deal with!" - Americans to Paul Ryan's high school classmates

I did NOT win the powerball lottery. Random midnight assaults of people that I don't like TEMPORARILY averted.....


"Aw shit, Rodney King just joined our "occupy our city" group...this...is...bad."
- What you would say if that actually happened

I can't wait until I'm successful enough to stop giving a shit about people in need. Yeah....the dream....

Paul Ryan looks like a pissed off former child star...who was home schooled...by idiot parents.

Sometimes you look at people, and you just know that they are on the wrong side of history. Hi congress! Talking to YOU!

The NBA just cancelled my pick up game Sunday. Full of ourselves much NBA?

Are people STILL using the term "Kissing cousins"? If not, I'm going to need a new one to describe what I'm doi...uh....*covers face, runs*

I'm cathecting the woman that hands to me the chocolate soft serve at the Checkers drive in. Don't judge...that stuff is good.

I just "Beat my flu symptoms" and his MMA expert older brother diarrhea is running toward me. I'M OUTTA HERE! *gets into car and peels out*

Down south they do Civil War reenactments...in Oakland they do Civil Rights reenactments apparently. Shame on you. #OccupyOakland

Rain rain go away. Huh? The rest is "come again another day"? I hate passive-aggressive songs. Just tell the rain to go away damn it!


"Dear women who keep their armpits hairless and smooth...thanks."
- Guys that do things to women's pits but don't want stubble burn.


I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes! Thanks! Also, to the the one of you that grabbed my butt when I was not looking....buttocks have TWO cheeks! LET'S GO! Get back here and finish the job! I need all of the action that I can get!

I just had a car behind me, honk through my car at the car in front of me. My first vehicular reach around. Didn't like it.

****

"mmmmmf!"

"What?"

"Mmmmmf!"

"What!?!"

"MMMMMMF!"

*"Congress, take Wall Street's balls out of your mouth so I can understand you!"

****

My dentist cancelled.....AGAIN! RACIST!!!!! What? He's black too? Could you put that "card" back in the deck please. Thanks...

Little known fact: The pimp slap was invented by an overzealous high fiver with poor depth perception. Yeah...I teach you things too.

Hey Cowboy hat guy that keeps posting veiled racism against the President on my Facebook page, at least lose the cowboy hat and gun. Okay?

Dear people that do the travel catheter commercial...you didn't mention having hand sanitizer in the bag.  EEEEEWWWWW! Gross!

I'm going to start talking like "old-time-y" news reel voice over guys...because I want strangers to secretly hate me and call me a d-bag.

No random comedy website, you are showing the best tweets by comedians...that YOU know. I know people too...with BETTER tweets. YUP!

Ever met the boyfriend of a young female relative...and something tells you he's screwing her? Is it okay to want to step on his neck?

Rugby? ME? Nope. Too much like Thanksgiving.

The following posts are going to be crazy, wacky thoughts...DO NOT TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY !!

I don't eat Fruit Loops because it's sometimes used as a slur. Same with Cocoa Puffs.

Porn is lame. I get turned on by watching slightly overweight, middle aged women try on bras in infomercials. I can actually get THEM!

Only weird guys get turned on by women eating bananas. What gets me going is women shooting milk out of their nose. DON'T JUDGE ME!

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black and gently caressed by attractive 20 something baristas.

Well...gotta go and write jokes that I'll later tell to slightly intoxicated strangers. See you later.

The trash can, invisible. My chocolate soy milk, wrapped in a brown paper bag behind 10 things....obviously in plain sight. #teensatmyhouse

Stop robbing pizza delivery guys. I'm not driving to get that stuff damn it!

The only thing MORE uncomfortable to watch than Herman Cain explain his positions is News Anchors trying to be funny or segue to the weather.

My dentist cancelled my appointment for Thursday. He'd better have my $100 for cancelling...or it may effect his credit.

My birthday is close to Halloween so that's when I celebrate it. That's why I open my door and TAKE candy from kids. Happy birthday ME!!!!

You'll NEVER get a true measure of your running speed until you smack an athletic person at a sidewalk cafe in the head with your genitals.

Life isn't a bed of roses, okay it is sometimes...and sometimes it's like having to clean that crap up as she runs out saying "I'd help but I'm late for work!"

When someone YOUR age dies, do you rethink your life... or do you hope something weird killed THEM so you DON'T have to think about it?

When is someone going to invent the "testicle bra"?

When my home town team isn't playing, I lose about 75% of my interest in football.  On the other hand, I can watch ANY porn star. Yup.

"I get laughed at in the gym after having the surgery to make my balls hang evenly. Can you reverse it doc?" - No dude ever

‎*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*

1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.

4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.

7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12.

The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.

If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!

- Warren Buffett (via mindbabies on tumblr)

I have a tattoo of a black man's forearm on MY forearm and....now that I look at it....I may have made a bad call....where is it again dude?

Is there any way that we can go back to having 2 minute commercial breaks on TV? I almost forgot what fucking show that I'm watching!

College football reminds me of the USA. 5 schools get ALL the good players and everyone else lines up to get their asses kicked. Yup.

Paging Mr Ahs...Mr Kismuh Ahs!


Other person: "I haven't decided who I'll vote for yet, I mean who's running?"
---Me: (In my head) "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Coming soon.....The Rapture? No. A Global Revolution? Yes. The difference is...you're WELCOME to JOIN US Mr Camping.

You choose to use your size to get lower prices on products, but not to get healthcare for your employees...okay, got it. Nice work Walmart.

Relax, Harold Camping said he was beginning a "Rap Tour". People... get your ears cleaned...and get your tickets for M.C. Senile LIVE!!!

With the popularity of MMA and the increase in the number of handguns, pimpin' has gotten even LESS easy. Film at 11!

lf only my voting both (like my computer screen) had an option to close all tabs on the right...

I'm working on a GIF of me slapping the shit out of someone for making too many annoying GIFS.

'Uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh here comes the hammer!" - Serial killer victims

Gaddafi, Bin Laden, Al Qaeda #2, Al Qaeda #2, Al Qaeda #2,.... Now, let's have some Wall Street perp walks...

I finally decide to sell my soul to the Illuminati and now EVERYBODY is occupying wall street and messing it up. HOW...DARE...YOU!!!


The leading cause of death for teens? Car crashes.
Number 2? Mad parents at the accident scene.
Number 3? Hit by another car running from parents at the accident scene

I'm a black man. You knew? Who told you?

I'll bet that most reporters who are parents ignore their kids having a tantrum at the toy store, yet Rush Limbaugh they encourage daily.

There is no cool way to buy ex-lax, but nice try bro. Nice try.

When will his followers realize that Harold Camping is saying "Your world is coming to an end!" to himself in the mirror? Stop worrying.

We get a 2 week build up to Christmas, BUT I dress up like a zombie and knock on people's doors for candy a little early and I get grief.

Obama cures cancer, GOP says that Obama is personally attacking the sunscreen industry and costing them jobs Film at 11!

"I'm casting ill informed assholes in my next film, someone contact the racists that ALWAYS write to the newspaper op-ed section!" - no one

Dear old white guys, NEVER say "Right On!" to me. I like you already, just because...so stop trying so hard. Thanks.

"Find the right woman, she can make you a better man...an even RIGHTER woman makes you better AND gets it on with you constantly" -  ME


Why does Michelle Bachmann keep calling me a "Libyan American"?
Oh.

Hippies? You just called the (Occupy Wall Street) protesters Hippies? Please take the 1967 calendar off of your wall and the Banker's balls out of your mouth.


My mother just called me and complained that “…every time she puts something intellectual up on her Facebook page to generate a discussion she gets no likes, but she always sees pictures of *obese women with ironically labeled asses (those are my words by the way, my mom is too nice to say that) get 50 likes.”

Welcome to Facebook mom. Welcome to Facebook. No, I will not friend you.

"Don't blame the home invader! Why did YOU have duct tape in YOUR house making it easy to tie YOU up?" -Law & Order: Herman Cain Unit

I wish that I had a girlfriend so I could say "Hey, lay down so I can occupy wall street!" SHUT UP! You've said things just as stupid!

I want seven friends named "Louie" and one friend named "Loueye". NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY! Bar bets okay! Bar bets!

John McCain: Obama Bus Tour Is 'Wrong'
American public: You picked Sarah Palin as your VP, we're not listening to you anymore.

If you voted for Hillary in the primary....and then McCain in the General...we know what's up with YOU.

Colonoscopy? Not anymore. Sign up for the NEW..."Google Ass!"

I'm tired of these idiotic, media created, gender roles. I don't buy into that crap. So to answer your question...no sex, by boobs hurt.


Him: "Some women you make love to, some you just want to pound"
--Me: "Can I have my chicken fingers now please?"

Pat Robertson, take your pills BEFORE you tape your show...okay?

I am NOT watching the debate. I'll just watch Fox news to get the facts tomorrow. Hahahahahaha! (Hey, I tried to say it with a straight face)

Just to let you all know, when I'm part of the 1%, I will do all that I can to help the 99%. I will also bang lots of them. You're welcome.

Dear guy is the sports mascot outfit, remember, doing the same crap WITHOUT THE COSTUME ON will get your ass kicked.

I want the theme song-scene change music from "2 Broke Girls" to play loudly EVERY TIME I ejaculate.

"No call list"? That's really a thing? So, my hunt them down and flush their faces in a bus station toilet thing hasn't caught on huh?

In a sarcastic reply to someone, I said "...yeah, I'm from Wall Street!" and three congressmen tried to blow me...

"Dude, you're embarrassing yourself." - me to a friend hitting on an 18 year old.

I want my next one to be a "No huddle" relationship...AKA, MORE f**king and LESS talking.
( FYI, f**king = fucking. I didn't want to curse)

"5 dollar foot loooooong!" - things you don't sing bottomless at Subway...because it's cold in there. IT IS SO!

Apparently, Kmarts are virtually empty at 9pm. The people were probably eaten by the scary creatures roaming the parking lot...

‎"Hi S.! Too late? No, don't worry about it. We'll make soup for YOU!"
-"Subway" staff
Yeah, I've got juice. You may kiss my ring now...

Do you think Erin Burnett will do a "Really?" segment about getting arrested for taking your money out of #Citibank?

I tried to cut my citibank card in half....and it called me the N word. Damn you anthropomorphism!

"If you can't beat a black guy for the GOP nomination...you REALLY suck as a candidate".
 -S. Anthony Thomas (a black dude)

My nephews laughed at me for three hours when I dug my old Atari video game out of the attic. But when we played....I KICKED THEIR ASSES! YEAH! TAKE THAT PUNKS!!!!!

"Blah blah blah blah blah!"  - the unseen adults on Charlie Brown learn a new language


(Obvious joke) - Normal person

(Way too serious response) - Ass wipe with personal problems who's NOT familiar with "Projection"

I don't mind being a lone wolf. Why? Well when you travel with the pack there's an increased chance of stepping in someone else's shit.  - S. Anthony Thomas

Does anyone else's ATM say "You're MINE now BITCH!" when you try to take out cash?

“Something black not working? IMAGINE THAT!” - Rush Limbaugh, talking about the Blackberry

“Something crushed by lard, full of oxycontin residue and not working? Imagine THAT!” - Rush Limbaugh’s wife on their honeymoon night

****

"S, you're not a Scorpio anymore with the new zodiac". Ironic that I stabbed her with a needle full of venom from my back pocket, huh?

Uh, officer... the sign says "Don't Walk". This is a pirouet. Fucking troglodyte! AAAAAAAAAH! Was the taser really necessary?

I just got out of a cab that smelled good. No YOU'RE lying!!!!

When I see people here and in "real life" disrespect the Occupy Wall Street and other cities movement....it's like seeing a show called "INTERNET TROLL LIVE!"

Most people think that I do comedy for a living. Silly people. The real money I make comes from my "Teaching daytime talk show audiences how to sound outraged by the guests behavior" classes. I...AM...SO...BUSY!

Gorgeous women with horrible names....your mom was hating on you. Just thought you should know.

Armpit hair + tank top = ice cubes in my lap.

Had a lady that looked & acted like "Whitney"...hot, we had endless bed smashing sex...why did I leave again? Oh, the craziness...

6 months.... I will have my old body back. I will then bring back streaking.

Two words. Medical Crack.

If you use red ink on your "rejection" stamp you are a HUGE ass.

New cable channel idea...S.Anthony TV: Shows that DON'T suck! Huh? Eh?

Don't engage in discussions about politics on Facebook. That is all.


Facebook: "Happy birthday person that I don't know!"
Twitter: " Is booty eating out of the question....person that I don't know!?!"

A woman was looking at me thinking that I was looking at her. She started to get full of herself not realizing that I was looking at the parking spot...NOT HER. She was so busy being indignant, that she walked into a tree. Yeah, good times...

"Satan seen at Occupy Wall Street protest beating YOUR GRADNMOTHER to death on top of burning piles of cash" - Fox News...eventually

Chris Christie Endorses Mitt Romney For President Ahead Of 2012, then wipes the Koch Brother residue from his chin. Film at 11.


Herman Cain: "Obama's not Black enough! (Paraphrase)"
Black People: "Neither are the people who paid you to say that! (NOT paraphrased)"

How long will it be before a depressed Rick Perry is on cable selling "The Rick Perry Schwoogie Stone" made from chunks of that N word rock?

"I hate getting dirt under my nails. Next time the victim to digs their own...I mean yard work is hard!" - Killers aren't good liars

Do you know what works BETTER than botox? Being nice and fucking a lot. You're welcome. Pay on the way out. See you next week.

Promoted post: S.Anthony Thomas has nothing to sell you.

"Hey, I'm NOT in a car accident...so let THOSE people get out of that burning car THEMSELVES." - Herman Cain EMT

"EVERYONE hates you." - Everyone that ISN'T a politician to politicians.

Damn, none of you new celebrities has "accidentally" released a sex tape yet? Ah....I miss the good old days...

Clean...air, water, food (in order of importance). We DON'T want them protected? Because of money? Can't spend it when you're dead.

If I went into a fast food place and the food actually looked like the food in the advertisements, I'd think something was wrong with it.

During the off season, NFL refs should follow people around and call penalties on them for being d-bags.

****

My two little (they're 18 & 19 years old) cousins are staying with me this week. The older of the two recorded the football game so he could watch it after work:

Cousin 1 (19yrs old): "Cousin S., don't tell me what happened. I drove here with the radio off so that I wouldn't find out."

Me  (Older than 19): "Ok."

Cousin 1 turns on the television. At the exact moment the the game pops on the screen....

Cousin 2 (18yrs old) *bursts into the house screaming* "I can't belive that they blew it like THAT! Did you see that fumlble!?!"

Cousin 1 *looks down defeated, drops remote on the couch and walks upstairs*

Cousin 2 "What?"

Me (Older than 19 plus 45 more seconds) *tries not to laugh...waits...goes to my computer and...

****

If we clapped our butt cheeks instead of our hands imagine how much harder it would be to earn applause. (THIS is why I don't post everything that I think)


"You're evil!"
"You're a Marxist, Socialist, Commie!"  - Adults (Allegedly)

I don't like a site with sexual content being called go "DADDY", couldn't it at least be called go "weird neighbor with no friends.com"?

Just weighed and measured MY balls...nope, I could never be in politics. The first reason... MINE exist. The second...they're TOO big.

What do the trending topics board (on twitter) and congress have in common? Give up? They're BOTH too easily manipulated by idiots with deep pockets.

I wish there were more smart people.

I get annoyed with the troglodyte gumbo that is supposed to be our congress. I sometimes want to take a break from the news....

Rick Perry waits for call from voters to stay execution of his political hopes. Rick Perry circa 1985 cuts the phone lines. Film at 11!

NEW "Footloose"... No. Hollywood, you DON'T have to remake EVERYTHING! When is the "Staying Alive" remake coming out?

Now that I use teeth whitening strips, my teeth have no problem catching a cab.

My ex girlfriend used the sponge as birth control....I LOVED it when it was her turn to do the dishes.

Pick my POISON!?! What kind of bullshit choice is that!? I pick poison that has NO effect on ME... that kills YOU! Ha! Deal with THAT!

Dear future wife, If we're alone...and you're not on your ".", I'm going to try to get in you. You have been warned. That is all.

Dear "pistol whippers"...you...have...a...gun. Is your partner pointing a bat at people and saying "Bang bang bang"? Moron.

Why did Boehner, Cantor & McConnell follow those bankers outside to their trucks just because they bought mouthwash? Oh. Figures.

Dude, is your girlfriend cheating or did the carpet cleaner misunderstand you?

We are ALL in open relationships....unless you're married, then that shit is clooooosed.

Ha! You lost professional athlete! Now drive your bugatti to your mansion and ejaculate in your supermodel girlfriends....loser!

My philosophy of life? EVERYONE deserves love and respect...so try and give it to them. Also...avoid dickheads. I have spoken!

A straw man is an informal fallacy based on misrepresentation, just watch talking heads on cable news describe Occupy Wall Street Protests.

Congress, didn't you know that WHORES are supposed to make people feel GOOD? And yes, you are WHORES.

It's the 10th anniversary of me convincing that stripper with the triple G boobs that my saliva would hold her pasties on. Yeah, I rule.

Dear Herman Cain, your lead in the polls is a football, the primary voters are Lucy. Guess who you are?  *Charlie Brown theme plays*

Imagine a person tied to a chair watching the criminals beat each other up over the wallet they just stole from them. That's America now.

DO good stuff, DON'T do bad stuff. The end. Self help authors, you aren't needed anymore. See yourselves out please.

When I make love I play the song "Iron man", so the neighbors wont hear "This NEVER happens to me!" I mean hear her screams. STOP LAUGHING!!

... the only thing we have to fear is fear itself….AND THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!” - FDR if he was alive today and met the 112th congress

I'm a NICE guy. I ALWAYS finish last. The sweaty, tired, drooling, twitching, deliriously happy women under me seem to be okay with it.

Sarah Palin announces that she WILL NOT run for President. Unfortunately, she will STILL run her mouth.

Chris Christie. Dancing with the Stars. Discuss.

"Dear APP creators....calm the hell down. Thanks". - Everybody

Politicians should be forced to wear a shock collar that zaps their asses whenever they lie. There'd be some burnt necks, but more truth.

Rick Perry has the documentary "Eyes on the Prize" in his DVD library under "Comedy". No, it's not a mistake...until people find out.

My high school gym teacher was a hot lady. I hid my erection with a towel then. Just saw her again, didn't need the towel...nailed her.

500. That's the amount of people that have said to me, YOU'RE a SCORPIO!?! What does that mean!?!

"Let them eat pepper steak....and onions! With white OR fried rice" - Marie-Antoinette's relatives open a Chinese restaurant in the hood

My NEW hunting camp is called "African American Cabeza" - Rick Perry trying too hard

I'm NOT enough of a narcissist to be mean, too much love for humanity, but I AM enough of one to not mind tweeting/posting into the ether...

My blog "People who need to STFU and fall off of the planet because they're a-holes" wasn't as popular as I'd hoped. Huh, go figure...

Solyndra. Iraq. Torture. Financial meltdowns. Slow response to Katrina. Yeah, they're ALL the same. Continue cable news....continue...

I haven't done ONE Chris Christie fat joke. If I do those jokes....let's just say they'll be about a radio d-bag...but I won't go there.

Mr Cantor, Mr Cain, I know you enjoy the attention of your "friends" but if you overheard them talking about you after you leave the room...

I'm REALLY happy for the FIRST guy that sleeps with Amanda Knox. She's going to tear his ass up! Lucky mofo!

Hank Williams Jr compares Obama to Hitler, MNF compares Hank to a magician's rabbit and makes him disappear.

We as regular people DON'T hate rich people. I would love to be able to have ANYTHING that I want as I'm pretty sure is the case with most people. What people hate is heartless, greedy, evil motherfuckers. But I digress...sorry. To answer your question, yes, I DO watch C.S.I. Miami.

75% of people polled say the news is full of intellectually lazy sellouts, the other 25% can't find Rick Perry's camp with the sign down.

I am NOT a bartender, so If you're a stranger, PLEASE don't expect me to listen to you whine about your wife for 15 minutes outside of a RiteAide. Thanks.

Dick And Liz Cheney: Obama Owes Bush Administration An Apology
American public: You owe US 303 million Apologies...and STFU.

Herman Cain: Rick Perry Is 'Insensitive' Toward Black People. Talk about the pot calling the kettle bl...oops, don't want to be insensitive.

Romney silent on Perry going to hunting grounds called "Niggerhead" because of his camp called "Black Dudes have high butts" Film @ 11

People who are assholes and chocoholics... ex-lax has a "chocolate bar looking" version of itself. Yeah.  Your namesake is fair game mofos!

Quarterbacks, DB's can see it when you point to where you want your receiver to go, that's why they go there too. You did know that, right?

S. Anthony says... (What's that on the fan?....)

*I walk into my house to change clothes, a teen relative is on my couch watching TV, sees me and pretends to sleep thinking that they will avoid my scolding about behaviors of his that I don’t approve of….*

“I know that you aren’t sleeping knucklehead. Listen, the fact that you are trying to avoid me getting on you about what you’re doing, tells me that you heard my message. That means you ALREADY know what I’m thinking…so I have no need to give you a hard time.”

*Teen sits up*

“Look kid, you ARE being an idiot, but you are a good kid and you’ll learn that I’m right soon enough. Just know that when the feces hits the fan, I’ll be there to help you. I will be laughing at you and posting the video of your embarrassment on YouTube…but I WILL be there for you.”

*Teen smiles and says “Thanks!”

“Now get your punk ass out of my chair and watch the TV upstairs….”