Saw a guy charge his mom $50 to shovel her snow. Loser. Not me baby! I'd just steal $20 out of her purse. Yeah $20...I mean, she's family.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER

What they REALLY want to say:

Gambling problem? GREAT! Your money will be MINE soon bitches!

Why should I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming? I'm getting spanked IN the dream.

The football season is almost over, I'd better get out the flashcards so I can relearn my relative's faces.

Hi, when you drive way too fast you endanger me. So, maybe, I should randomly practice my side kick near your face.

"GOLDEN showers" can only be given by someone who is dehydrated. An adequately hydrated person would just give you a "Shower"... of pee.

I need to start paying attention to people so I'll know who to be disappointed in.

*decides not to keep promise to dead relative, relative comes to life and kicks my ass... I change my mind and keep promise*

You know those girlfriends that are ALWAYS hugging you, climbing on you, touching you and sitting in your lap?

I would like one...NOW!

I yell "Omaha! Omaha!" when I change sexual positions. I also do it when I actually have a woman with me...

LAST call for alcohol, FIRST call for WEED!!!!!!

- Bartenders in Colorado

Most guys get mad when women shout instructions during sex but not me, I love hearing their input on the lighting and camera angles...

*catches self in mirror, does finger guns, realizes he's not wearing pants, now understands the reason for the applause outside*

I will NEVER finish my bucket list. First of all, I'm sure the Williams sisters would say NO to numbers 6-27, so...there's that.

I'm working on an app that makes your phone melt if you do selfies.

A soft kiss and a warm hug goes a long way... toward sending you to jail.
Make sure it's your lady and not someone in the same coat.

Look, if I feel my own ass in public, that's MY business lady!
Jealous?

I'm too big to ride the dog. Also, I don't have a dog, my neighbor does. He also has a temper.

I have lost so much weight since the food poisoning. I think I have a NEW weight loss infomercial idea...

I impress hot women MOST when I don't try to. My cuteness, awesome skills in the sack & potential for riches are things they find out LATER.

Waking up in bed next to a stranger is much better than waking up this dumpster with my topless grandpa. That man will throw a rave ANYWHERE!

Hey, guy selling illegal movie DVD's, do you have any music cassettes or news anchors with integrity or pinto keys in that bag?

Don't you wish you were rich, famous and powerful enough to treat people how you really want to?

Not me, I do that now.

"Love is a battlefield"
- Pat Benatar song or something said by the worst neighbors ever

When I'm at the urinal, I shake my body and keep my penis still. It doesn't work that way.

I've never gotten food poisoning from junk food.

That's all I'm saying...

Don't trust a dentist that unbuckles his pants as he puts the gas mask on you. Also, no one gets dental work lying on their stomach.

Dear future employers, if you're reading this, CONGRATS, I'M BONING YOUR WIFE! You are one lucky guy! She's awesome. She's also leaving you.

If you reach for your dream and fall short, we will laugh, say I told you so and rub it in until you hate us.

- Family

*crickets*

- Crickets

Did YOU get your daily prostate exam?

What do you mean they're NOT DAILY?

What do you mean the crossing guard lady doesn't do it?

I like to leave the empty boxes of expensive electronics outside of empty homes because criminals need practice and oh yeah, fuck them!

I'm an Independent voter. I think for myself. Scared? Good.

"I don't see ANY GOLD titties! LIARS!!!"

- Dumb guy watching the Golden Globes

Just lifted weights. I'm typing this with my nose.

People, congress... doesn't... like you. Understand?

I'm a little pissed that MY booty selfies aren't as popular as some of the female ones.

Ladies, your lack of interest smacks of SEXISM!!!!!

Wouldn't it be hilarious if the "Devil" just turned out to be a nerd with an anger problem?

You're not a REAL man if you have never slurped your woman's boobs just for the fun of it and not to get her into bed.

The muscles in my face that I use to pretend that I care are starting to hurt.

Oh, "Flash mob", NOT "Flash the mob".... well, that does cut down on the ass whippings and shootings...

Pro tip: If a cab driver tells you that you "took too long", DON'T say "Yeah well your mother takes it long". They don't like that.

"The BEST is not always the most popular" - Unpopular people

So, can you get these crocodile tears out of the carpet? - The Maury Show producers to the rug cleaner backstage

Say it, don't spray it, and definitely don't spit in my face on purpose screaming DIE DIE DIE!

I have never felt more "Fuck this shit"-y than I do right now.

Party crash? Nope. Start my own party, enjoy the people there and not give a damn about everyone not attending? Yup.

An Apple device a day, keeps the next tax bracket away.

I love Applebee’s & Chili’s because their menus look like food a 20 year old would make the first day after going shopping for himself.

My mirror just whispered "Thank you" to me.
Yeah...

When I sleep with a lady, I give her 50 extra orgasms on Thursday because I'm usually to busy to see them on weekends.

When a drunk friend vomits on your rug and falls asleep on your couch, it should be illegal to NOT write on his face and the post pictures.

No Google images, don't warn people about pictures of a person's surgery when they look up something innocuous. Nope, not gross at all.

Know how a light bulb pops up over your head when you get a good idea? I use fluorescents now so I REMEMBER the good ideas.

You know the commercial where the athlete wears a Beats headset to drown out the angry crowd?

Girlfriends hate that shit and will hit you.

My life will amount to nothing until these social media sites give me a verified identity check next to my name...

Yeah... the dream.

If you're over 30 and someone hits you with a snowball, you should get to smack that person IN THE HEAD. Even if it's not the same day.

The air in a 50 cent bag of chips must be expensive as hell.

Snow...sucks....

*realizes that it will keep his family from stopping by*

Snow...RULES!

I watch the movie 300 so I can see what it's like to be HALF the man I am.

I GREEN tea bag my girlfriend because it's healthier.

You get the SAME smack if you pinch or caress a strange woman's ass...and the same laugh from me when she and her dude whip your ass loser.

You can make a really nice wig if you dumpster dive behind a Brazilian wax studio.

I'm just saying...

Dear "Rock bottom", keep it down up there! Some of us are trying....ahahaha! Just kidding. If we actually tried we wouldn't be down here!

Every time congress speaks, they sound like the police captain that "doesn't get it" when the hero warns them in every bad 80's cable movie.

I'm doing the *reverse cowboy with your sister.

*treating Native Americans with respect and not shooting people

Happy New Year!!!!