Average looking guys, just wait...the hottie that laughed at you is 5 heartbreaks away from happily being in your bed. *maniacal laugh*

Ladies, protect your drinks when out partying...but leave your lipstick with strangers, because that can't lead to anything bad right?

Apparently in my family "I've got to go" means "please elongate this already boring story by 30 minutes" Yup.

Forget race, religion and socioeconomic status. We'll know that we have advanced as a society when ALL public toilets are regularly clean!

 I wonder if the people who voted AGAINST funding for the health care of our 9/11 first responders warmed up by kicking kittens and puppies.

Rehearsing today, so I'll be in and out. *giggles* I said "in and out" Writing my new show is HARD. *giggles* No, you GROW up ! *giggles*

I just ate some chocolate pudding that WASN'T lovingly spread across a beautiful woman's boobs and butt cheeks...it's not nearly as tasty...

Wait, Ellen was on America Idol? Why was I not informed of this?

Stop calling semen "Marriage material" some people don't think it's funny.

Dear police, stop releasing people's 911 recordings. Some things like life and death trauma should be kept private. Thanks. 

How many TV screens do you think Ted Koppel has smashed while watching the new Nightline?

Politics = Kindergarten for "Adults"

Mrs. Hasselbeck, people of color deal with the kind of institutionalized bias that you could never understand. Listen, learn. #Theview

Grow up and let women breast feed jackasses! Breasts are for feeding babies...and holding the whipped cream and pudding when I...nevermind. 

Have you ever quietly snuck back into your own house hoping that no one saw you because they haven't learned how to shut the fu*k up?

Summer's guilt free, public near nudity is ending. Now, with the speed of technological obsolescence I have to buy NEW spycams. Damn it!

Selfish old bastard won't let ME pee in his adult diaper. I'm paying for the beer! Well just for that, he can't use my defibrillator again.

F*ck you utility companies. I'm getting solar power and using well water. Then I'm tattooing "kiss me between these" on my butt cheeks.

The obstructions that are going on in the House & Senate have a weird combination of evil and immaturity that should be beneath "Adults"

The line between spanking and beating a child is the same as the line between parent and piece of shit. That is all.

The inventors of Chocolate and Coffee don't get enough props...the ONLY person who should get MORE props is the inventor of genitals. Yup.

Are we still pretending that these cable and radio shows aren't racist? I'm tired of stepping in all of the elephant shit in the room.

Uh, you see the a-hole on the train farting, the guy peeing on the wall and the guy talking to himself? The all get jury duty notices. Yup.

Name tag + pimples + wrinkled shirt = don't give me an attitude unless you want it proved to you that taste CAN be slapped out of your mouth.

Has ANY toymaker come up with a bubble maker  for kids that ISN'T breakable in 4 hours? I need something bad to happen to these people NOW!

I don't know whether I've achieved another level of evolution or I'm numb to my family's craziness...but it feels good not to give a shit.

Can't we as humans come up with a garment that takes the bodily excretions AWAY? Did that atom smashing experiment overseas go to waste?

Nice try, you were NOT looking for lint in your navel. You ALWAYS wear belly shirts. If you like the smell of your navel jam, own it freak!

"Treat me like a stamp mamma!" - The last thing he remembers saying before waking up semi moist and unused in the bottom drawer.

It's funny, your wife drools over some guy on TV, who's wife drools over the pool guy, who's wife drools over the UPS guy...who is gay. Yup.

Flicking the tongue and swirling it across that little peak in the middle of her top lip. #dyslexiccunnilingus

Hot ladies whistled at me today. I felt great, until a dog ran to them. Sike! It was MY cocoa ass they wanted. Yes it was! It was damn it!

When you're only getting phone calls from assholes...the ringing is like Chinese water torture...

Message to people that DON'T get it. Even the biggest racist has a black person that they'll tolerate. Don't be fooled. Fool. You know who you are.

If it burns going in, it's going to burn coming out. This info is for those who like hot foods...and to good looking people going to jail.

If you base your show or movie in L.A. and you
have the criminal GETTING AWAY in a car chase I call bullsh*t. I've lived there. No way....

Hulu really needs to add a porno section.

*Hands card to gorgeous hooker* "Give me a call when you want to graduate to Gold-digging arm candy, I'm offering a live-in position"

People who block traffic when there are parking spaces available should be tasered in the ass. That is all.

Being called "friend" by a woman that's special to you hurts worse than being punched in the gut. What's even worse...me laughing at you.

Are you f*cking crazy!?! - A kid 3 seconds after having his mouth washed out with soap for cursing.

Women WILL NOT believe that you're just reading their name tags if you are making nipple twisting motions and flicking your tongue. FYI.

When your lady says "Aw, this stuffed animal reminds me of my lost puppy..." DO NOT say "It's edible?" Not good, not good at all. FYI.

Spend $50 for a massage? Hell no! I just go to a building with metal detectors and hot lady guards and hide a quarter in my underwear flap.

I don't do quickies, this is going to take a while. (OK, lets keep it real, I do quickies if it's an extra one)

Some people you love so much that any reminder of them brings happiness. Then there's the opposite. These people are called family...

My Doctor said to stop eating carbs. In an unrelated event, I begin Doctor shopping tomorrow...anyone know of a Doctor near a Mcdonalds?

I'm sitting in the bathtub juggling plugged in radios. Don't worry, there's no water in the tub. That would be weird.

Tattoos on some women...HOT. Her putting the tattoo on herself in your bathroom with a lighter, an ink pen and a hot spoon...uh, no.

Seeing arguments on twitter is like having the mailman deliver the wrong post cards to your house. 

Well, I'm off to chauffeur my two uncles...I hope they don't start making out in the back seat...crazy kids. Wait, what?

It's funny how the guys that play "Three Card Monte" start losing when you show them the game "Six Bullet Monte"

It sucks being the anvil doesn't it Mr. President? Well, if you'll check inside of the White House, you'll see tons of hammers, use them! 

It sucks knowing all of my friend's secrets. I always know trouble is coming beforehand. You'd think they'd be suspicious that I always have a camera running when one of them f*cks up.

Insects are smart enough to know to move before we swat them, but not enough to leave us alone. To be fair, I know people like that too.

In a perfect world, boobs would taste like coffee without me having to apply it to them. But, it is fun to slurp coffee off them. Nevermind.

The only reason breitbart attacked Ms. Sherrod with an edited tape is because he couldn't find a fire hose and attack dogs fast enough.

Breaking News!!! Shirley Sherrod accused of starting forest fires because of new breitbart tape showing her blowing out birthday candles... 

Do you get the feeling that breitbart & the cable and radio racists watch "Eyes on the Prize" with their pants down?

I've been intentionally not capitalizing the first letter in the name breitbart...because he and his ilk are lowercase human beings.

When it rains, I do the dance number from "Singin' in the rain" then I sing "Umbrella". Wait, that's right when I stopped getting laid...

I just saw a Chinese woman screaming at her husband an a Mexican wife doing the same. No matter the language angry women sound the same...

Don't get your signal confused. My buddy thought shaking his car keys at his wife meant hurry up. Nope, it meant don't screw me for 11 days.

I now realize that as I've gotten older, I have developed so many fetishes, that there is NO part of a woman's body that doesn't excite me.

I wonder how much time the lying racist cable channel will spend clearing Ms. Sherrod's name? *crickets* Exactly. It is NOT a news channel

I am not shaving my body hair, laminating it and selling it on ebay...because that would be weird, right? *looks around, whistles, leaves*

I love conspiracy videos on the web. There's one about a news channel that just makes things up and people believe them anyway. Crazy huh?

Why is Godfather 3 on TV? That's like a 5 star restaurant going "Hey, where is that burnt steak that you dropped? Lets sell it."

I now realize that my bottomless smoothie drive thru may not have been the best idea...

A guy caught me taking a peek at his delicious girlfriend. He just smiled and nodded. He's either very confident...or I'm about to get an invitation. 

Does anyone know where I can buy shut up juice in bulk? I'm going to need much more than a glass each for these people.

When you wipe up my excess sarcasm, put the towel in the recycle bin. They reuse it on cable news shows. Conservation!

Aren't there certain celebrities that you see in the news and just assume it's because they died, regardless of their age? Me too.

The guy across the street actually slipped on a banana peel. Really dude? I wonder if he's listening to the three stooges theme on his ipod.

I'm perfecting aggressive apathy. Yeah, it's a new thing. Next year I'll be teaching it in a classroom setting. 

When will J.J. Abrams have a show about a spy that DOESN'T look like they were recruited at a modeling school?

Be careful when sending a speech to text email...especially when a friend with a louder voice is screaming "Die bitch die!" into his phone.

When people make unreasonable requests for your time...it's disrespect. (They think you have nothing better to do) Don't be fooled.

I always hold the elevator door for people...then I keep them in there for an hour. They NEVER ask again.

I'm looking for a good woman to do naughty things to my happy place...or do small things to my big thing for little or no money.

I just noticed that I'm sitting in front of the air conditioner like a woman in stirrups at the gynecologist. FYI, my pap smear is OK.

;-)

Ladies, men are like the free lollipops at the bank. If you see one you like, grab it, take it home, unwrap it and suck it. You own it now.

Grabbing your woman's hair and saying "get over here!" MAY work during sex, but NOT at Walmart. Do you get it newly single bloody nosed guy?

So let me get this straight....you can be a racist, you can say racist things...just don't write them down or they'll kick you out. Got it.

The modern racist uses the ballot box like a suicide bomber uses explosives. They'll even hurt themselves if it hurts "others" Shame on you.

What I've learned from EVERY movie in the last 15 years is pretty, skinny, white women with big lips ALL know kung fu & will whip your ass!

Just woke up from a nap...will someone please tell Leonardo Dicaprio and that dude from third rock from the sun to leave me alone please!

I was jealous of the guy who got to hot neighbor lady before me, but seeing how he's treated makes me feel like neo. I dodged a bullet. Ha!

And there you have it...

Being kidnapped sounds pretty good right now. ALONE in a cold dark room, away from the family...why do people NOT like IT?...

Our Sun will burn out in a few billion years, which means it's going to be dark when I get out of the post office.

Advise from your cocoa buddy. When you send your condoms to the cleaners, tell them "light starch". You don't want to cut anyone accidentally.

Oh...you wanted me to wake you up with my alarm c"L"ock. Sorry. Well, since you're already awake...put the shoe down please...OW!!!

A bulb blew out and I couldn't see, because of that I had a hard time getting the key into the lock. Ah...teenage memories. SHUT UP!

If buttons have a certain number of pushes before breaking, is it so with erections? I'm sleeping with ice in my lap just in case.

...and you are?...

Misunderstanding the lady when she said she wants to see a "fly strip", an embarrassed teenage S.Anthony was soon unemployed as a cashier...

I'm driving my relatives around so much today that I might paint my car yellow and charge them a fare... after I racially profile them.

Is it wrong to refer to my semen as "Diamond milk"...well? I'm not going to stop doing it. I'm just asking...

I'm negotiating an exclusive contract with the House & Senate to sell to them my new toothpaste that removes the taste of lobbyist buttocks.

You know that filter in your head that makes you answer politely? Mine is in the shop. Go on with your soon to be ignored idiotic question.

My butt must have taken some Tylenol pm because even though I'm out of the car...it refuses to wake up.

Cable news anchors....the typhoid Marys of stupidity.

Yeah, the initial sex toys are discreetly packaged...but the weekly catalogs afterward aren't...I've been told by others... who aren't me...

You're Welcome.

47 minutes & 15 seconds. That's when women stop being impressed and want you off/out of them. Consider yourself informed. You're welcome.

DO NOT cut Mel Gibson off in traffic *whispering* I hear that he has a bit of a temper. Don't tell anyone, OK? Thanks.

Is there a glue strip that's big enough to trap teenagers so they won't keep sitting on my car?

Hey, jerk who cuts into people's conversation with negativity...that's why you HAVE to CUT in. No one wants to talk to you voluntarily.

Talking points + zero tolerance + laziness = you're a moron.

Have you ever overheard someone close to you say something that made you smell smoke...from the bridge to you that is burning?

Walking off of the bus straight up to a woman getting into a Mercedes and trying to pick her up...you are either super cool or a huge d-bag.

I'm wondering how loud an alarm clock would have to be to REALLY wake people up. Some people are out of bed...but still asleep. #cablenews

On cable news, they love to suck-viate... see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Aw yeah...yeah! *sigh* I really need help...

And the winner is...

I'm pro-mind YOUR business.

I think Mel Gibson said it best.... #phrasesyouwillneverhearagain

Message to flies....even people who practice Jainism want to torture and then kill you. That is all.

Can we at least mix in some uplifting things in the news? The veiled racist politicians and the morons that follow them bore me now.

Hey dude, you know guys that put a $100 bill around ones to fool people? That's what you look like in that car. You work at Walmart!

Dear family member that manufactures a crisis just to get me to do things you know I don't want to do...there's a BIG surprise coming...

Hey security guard, calm down, there's more cameras in the market than a casino. You sir are a beta tape. Listen to the obsolescence clock!

:-)

I would like to file murder charges against the sound bite for killing nuanced answers and intelligent conversation. They will be missed.

I love the look in a child's eyes, the beautiful hopeful look... you know, the one we had before the world clubbed us into adulthood.

How do you let politicians cut off money to 2 million people, go on vacation...and get away with it?

I guess being fired for gross incompetence DOESN'T apply to news.

Haters are boring. We always know what you're going to say. Critical thinkers on the other hand...I won't explain...just try it.

Breaking news!! The Dalai Lama just pimp smacked Mel Gibson and needed to be restrained from "Busting him up more" film @ 6 & 11

"Rubber or lead?" - Armed robber to store clerk

"All at once or one a night? - Horny muscle bound lifers to armed robber (now a prisoner)

All star games mid-season are stupid. That's like telling people that they can only vacation on Wednesdays.

Think that you don't have Stockholm syndrome? Television sucks, it lies and yet you still watch it. Hello! YAY! Big brother is on GOTTA GO!

Mel Gibson just thought of an epithet specifically for himself....and then called himself that!

Ya dig 2.0!

Have you ever heard a conversation between two people and just know that you'd hate them both if they tried to befriend you?

Hot ladies...you do know that mental images of you are being filed away for future use, right? Not by me of course...but by others.

A zero calorie cheese steak= endless billions. Get on that scientists. We both know that you aren't really trying to CURE diseases anyway.

The fake slap attempt that morphs into running your fingers through your hair move is NOT funny to gang-bangers or cops. Write that down.

We invent the Internet and we can't come up with something better to pick our noses with than a sleeping girlfriends finger? Wait, what?

I'm about to scream "FUCK IT!" at the top of my lungs...so YOU don't have to. Yeah, I care that much.

Ya dig?

Pushed the EASY button...and my ex showed up. Nah, I'd rather remain disease free. But thanks anyway.

It's tough writing a whole new show from scratch after dumping all of my old stuff...so stop complaining about your labor pains lady.

If you build a society on xenophobia and stupidity, you will put in place rules that can bite you on the ass when you're not in power. Dig?

Listening to extremist nut jobs for political insight is the same as eating feces because you like corn

Okay, enough of that. Back to the jokes. If you have a fetish for cigarette burns, would that mean you wouldn't date a non smoker?

I just beat my reflection in the mirror in a staring contest. It IS possible!! No, you stop lying!! Yes I was D'angelo's ab double. YOU lie!

_____________/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "It's ALIVE!!!!!" - The Internet's personal physician

Whipped cream + a woman's nipples + 60 uninterrupted minutes = yay!

Mmm hmm....

So....I guess I shouldn't be impressed with Mel Gibson's portrayal of crazy characters anymore.

If Mel Gibson's rant had a beat by Dr Dre behind it...he'd have a hit single instead of career trouble.

I miss the good old days when there were game shows starring celebrities on the down slide reciting jokes from writers on the down slide.

We are going to have Mexican, Asian & Indian Presidents at some point....and with that I say, "FUCK YOU RACISTS!"

It amazes me what women DON'T think is kinky anymore. I would like to thank my dimples for making my disgusting requests charming. 

Helping childish NBA team owners write snarky letters about exiting star athletes since 2010.

*whispering* A strip search means I take off MY clothes right? That's what I thought. No, No...don't correct her. I like it this way.

I'm readying my butt cheeks for the impending influx of lips.

Question for carjackers. Have you ever heard of that activity ending well? I mean you steal a car, then in jail you're the front of a train.

Yup!

Message to guys on Maury, the hot woman hitting on your ugly ass in the green room is ALWAYS a decoy. YOU could NEVER get a woman like THAT.

I have fantasized about another while with a girlfriend. Admitted it? No. Have they ever done it? Yes. Admitted it? Yes. Did I care? No.

Ladies, if we're dating, don't stress about birthday or Christmas gifts. If you say YES more than NO...I'm cool. No gift needed. Thanks.

Mean receptionist, I make a living in the entertainment industry. YOUR rudeness doesn't even register. FYI, I'll probably be doing you soon.

As expected, she apologized and tried to give me her number. Nah, if you have "meanest" in you, you don't get my pe...uh you get the point.

Shh, be quiet...he doesn't know that no one gives a crap. - One of the most appropriate sentences ever.

I'm traveling the country & placing "And then pee on them and dig in your ear" signs under "Employees must wash hands" Realism is important.

Finding hair on soap is gross. I shouldn't be picky, it's not my hotel shower. These people sleep soundly. They should lock the door.

That's right *Shutter click* great shots. Come on, make love to the camera. Aw, come on that's gross! Don't be so literal candy, geez! 

I have just quit my job as Mel Gibson's rant ghost writer.

:-)

Happy July 8th!!! It's when the colonists finished cleaning up & drove home after the party. No, you're historically inaccurate! 

Yeah, my ancestors are from Africa and I should be able to handle the heat. STFU and turn on the air conditioner before I shrink your head!

Kylie Minogue, the gateway drug to Ke$ha. 

It costs a little more to turn on the air in the car, but it is so much better that the ass sweat gumbo that my seats would otherwise be.

Cargo pants, the traveling game show for pick pockets.

What Lebron James doesn't know is, the NBA is moving the Cleveland franchise to whatever city he chooses. Shh, lets watch his reaction... 

Breaking news!!! The earth's rotation is slowing at a pace that will bring it to a complete stop at 9pm tonight. Lebron, you did it!!!

Yada...(repeat twice more)

The lord works in mysterious ways, seriously. Look, every time I walk past him he covers his paper. What's this "universe" thing he's doing?

Oil companies, wouldn't it be better to start being energy companies and INVEST in alternatives instead of PAYING billions in fines? Hmm?

Well, I'll save money on water. I'll just stand in the middle of the kiddie pool and fill it with sweat. 

Yo, if you listened more carefully you wouldn't have wasted all of that money! I said replace your ELECTROLYTES not electric lights idiot!

What is the emoticon for tongue in cheek? No, sorry I meant tongue in butt cheeks? 

I'm going to go with this as the tongue in butt cheeks emoticon.---> B~ Are you with me?

No, go ahead. Complain about the same crap for 60 min at a time everyday... of course people aren't avoiding you. Well, gotta go.....

Ah, the passive aggressive joy of cutting my smart mouthed younger relatives out of my will. I'll put them back in it...but oh what fun.

Nice paint color dude, you'll be the first person in the world to have his house racially profiled. At least after I call the cops on you.

Wet dream....incontinence....stop with the semantics and hand me the mop bigmouth!

My basement is so hot, the only thing missing is 6 old white guys in towels, smoking cigars and talking about the good old days.

I was sent on an audition for a reality show (I didn't know )...I spoke in a complete sentence and was thrown out by security. (kinda true)

Do you know that game where people punch you when they see a Volkswagen? I have a game where I knee THEM in the chest. I always win.

When politicians wear WWJD bracelets the "J" is for "Judas"...or "jerkoff"...or "jackass"...or..."just sold out" or..."just lied my ass off"

Tongue in cheek...

Is there any way to inject nicotine into common sense so certain people become addicted to it?

They should bring caning here from Singapore. First usage? Start with relatives of mine that shower with the curtain open! I digress...

100 degrees on the east coast. There's enough boob sweat to...to...I'm sorry, I forgot the punchline. It's like a wet t-shirt contest here!

Don't worry, in three days the Internet will rise from the dead...and it's 12 search engines will rejoice! hallelujah! Say it with me!!

Well, with it being 100 degrees, at least you know that your teen wasn't screwing in your car.....wait, check the garage! Slick bastards!

What is it about religion and politics that brings out the "a-hole-ish-ness" in people? Oh...inaccuracy.

The Internet is like Oprah, say something negative about it...and you get your ass whooped!

Guys should stop saying "girl, I'd drink your bath water". That's gross. There's soap in it. Rinse her off and apply syrup first, weirdos.

:-)

There is NO part of a freshly showered woman's body that's not DELICIOUS.

It's funny, without fail, right after we celebrate "Independence" we find ourselves then lamenting "What the hell do I do now?"

This chair is hard, my butt is numb... now I know why women are so insistent that I lick the water ice off of their butts more quickly...

Flipping through the cable news stations is like visiting the "6 Flags Great Adventure" for stupid people.

Women's secret reset button can only be reached with a long, thick cylindrical object. Press repeatedly for 45 min & she's not mad anymore!

The men in my family believe that after the age of 60 they need to explain to me in detail their intestinal distress. Euthanasia?

In 16 weeks I will be another year older which is weird because only 16 weeks will have passed...I'm confused??????

Happy 4th of July!!

"Vasectomy" is such an ugly word. How about "perpetual testicular traffic jam" Yes, it's more words, but it sounds nicer doesn't it?

Every street is blocked off...I hope an ambulance doesn't get slowed down so dick heads can grill in the street...

Cooked all of the ribs, burgers & hot dogs but the person with the rolls is late. I'll bet that bastard is trying to get a hero's welcome!

Cellphone conversations are reality shows...except the people are being a-holes for FREE. Now that's commitment!

I love the fireworks on the 4th. Not that crap that blows up in the sky, I mean when there are two alcoholics and one beer left...

These record companies love shoving new artists in my face! Message to record companies...please sign Serena's butt and boobs to a contract!

Ironic... tomorrow is Independence day and I'll be chained to a grill. I would run away but they'd catch me and chop off some of my foot...

Cerebral-political-weird, & sometimes off color. I'm like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're getting but it's chocolate & delicious.

Getting my house ready for the 4th...how do you hide a bear trap so people don't see it?

Forget personal hygiene, I do PUBLIC hygiene....after I clean my buttocks and pits, I do the same for random strangers. Yup.

Hello. I'm S. Anthony...

Do fries come with that shake girl? No, I'm not hitting on your daughter, I'm ordering lunch. Hand me my pants please, I need my wallet.

Uh, raisins aren't supposed to walk, right? Ok...taking this bagel back....

DO NOT streak a police station! Talk about police brutality! "Do some sit ups buddy!" Bastards. I'm telling internal affairs!

I'm laughing as the crazy left handed guy tries to stab me with scissors. Well, time to shoot this guy *click* crap, it's a left handed gun!

No officer, she chloroformed herself and jumped in the trunk. Don't get mad at ME because YOU don't know the latest stalker profiles!

Is it still "Schadenfreude" if it's meticulously planned? I'm asking for a buddy because I'll have an alibi for Tuesday, when it happens.

S.O.S.? (Save "OUR" ship) Don't you mean S.T.S.? (Save "THE" ship). I'm sure you don't OWN the ship! I am not inclined to save liars!

...oh yeah? Well screw you lady! I hope you get chased by a pack of M*l G*bsons!

Special message to 70's era kung fu movie stars, when you flex your muscles and it makes a crunching sound...SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!

S. Speaks...

Apparently it's even scarier when you tailgate someone's car on foot, in a clown outfit. People are weird.

Damn, I spend $10 in your breakfast place and I can't even get a FAKE smile? See you NEVER again. Now I'M smiling.

Beer I can understand...but who still TRIES crack? These people are ALMOST as out of touch as the House and the Senate.

"Now that I know that YOU don't give a damn, WE have something in common. "#neverusealinethisgoodonsomeoneyouwanttohavesexwithagain

Message to people who put commercials on the web. If you don't give me the option of turning down the volume, I ignore your f**king product!

No garage door opener for me, if I'm going to be duct taped to my bed and robbed, I'd rather it be by a "girlfriend", not a home invader.

...has already begun faking a cold to avoid being stuck at the grill. By Saturday night, faux dry heaves. Yeah, bring ME food minions!

Not only does the Twilight saga occupy your kids, it's also a great punishment for a friend who loses a bet.

When I'm watching the fireworks on the 4th, my friends from England are in a restaurant eating Chinese food..what's up with that? Oh.

Damn...Mel Gibson was just about to take over the Madea role from Tyler Perry. Well, you can't have everything.