S. Anthony Says...

My entire family is coming over today for a cookout. Let the "accidental" immolations begin!!!

Thanks for flying S. Anthony Airlines. For all negative, nasty and annoying people...the EXITS are here and here...

Every city block here is roped off for the holiday. It's like a maze. I should get a piece of cheese for making it to my sisters house.

Embarrassing. I walked into the other room to ask them to turn down the TV because the Springer show was too loud. The television wasn't on.

From now on I will NOT post certain jokes on Facebook. The main reason? I would then have to go to Facebook.

This BBQ is getting weird. We would have started cooking already but Tony Robbins keeps walking people across the grill.

I'm going to stand by the freeway near my home and sell defense mechanisms. "They're all against me on sale for $5!"

I am so glad that my

synapses don't have a GPS attached to them. If so...I'd be *Shivers* normal. *Vomits*

The better you are in bed, the less you talk.

Memorial Day

To all that have served, are serving and will serve. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. We are thinking of YOU today.

S. Anthony Says...

Why are guys so afraid of dating single moms? They still have vaginas right?

Imagine a threesome with Kim Kardashian and Serena Williams. I would give almost anything to get crushed by that "ass"-valanche!

A lady that cut me off in traffic screamed at me, "Kiss my ass!" I said, "Yes please." I F*cked her. That is all.

The first woman that gives me oral during her period will be Mrs. Me. (Before you answer angrily ladies, remember I give you 90min nightly)

Go f*ck yourself...f*ck yourself and go...the order really doesn't matter as long as you are gone and have been f*cked by yourself. Thanks.

Go f*ck yourself...f*ck yourself and go...the order really doesn't matter as long as you are gone and have been f*cked by yourself. Thanks.

No! You wear pants at the all you can eat buffet! Take THAT sneeze guard & security guard. Crap! He's an armed guard! Don't guard the door!

They bleep curse words, why not stupidity? Nevermind. My neighbor watches a lot of cable news and I don't want him making his dogs deaf.

I'm going to get one of those pens & check every bill given to ME by cashiers. Then I'm going to bite the coins. Let's see how they like it.

I have NEVER met a subtle hooker....a friend said...who is NOT me. Shut up! Don't judge me!... My friend said...who is NOT me...

The better you are in bed, the less you talk.

Aww, yeah...

Have you ever been given attitude by someone you care so little about, that you're not offended, just curious why it was directed at you?

Just went to Rite Aid to pick up meds for a sick relative...AND THERE WAS AN ACTUAL PHARMACIST THERE!!! Elizabeth...I'm comin' to join ya!

For those of you under 30...my last post contained a reference to the hit 70's sitcom "Sanford and Son" ;-)

Have you ever run into an ex who tries to make you jealous with the new person and the harder they try, the harder it is to not laugh at them?

NO ONE in history has ever come back in a couple of minutes. EVER. So don't say it....maybe ON your back. Sorry, I was TRYING to be good.

NO ONE in history has ever come back in a couple of minutes. EVER. So don't say it....maybe ON your back. Sorry, I was TRYING to be good.

I tried to explain twitter to my musician friends...I told them it's the social media equivalent of a "Jam session"...then, they understood.

Top kill not working? So, the people that didn't know that a 500k valve is better than a 10 billion dollar spill had a bad idea? Shocking!

The internet, landing on the moon, cures for polio etc...and the best idea we have for cleaning up oil is tying ropes between boats?

Watching this moving documentary on my laptop made me realize something....I really should go back to the club and bang that hot waitress.

S. Anthony Says...

Public transportation....public toilet....the difference? Wheels. Thank goodness I have my car back!

BP oil spill = mother earth with diverticulosis...or a money grubbing, incompetent company that couldn't give a damn. Either one works.

....the bad thing is, the porno version of my life would also suck. No not THAT way you double entendre loving mofos!

FYI, if you see straight men in line for Sex and the City 2...they were promised anal. Ironic huh?

The next person that places an advertisement on my Facebook wall just because I have a lot of "friends"...is getting kicked in the throat.

Man, do I need a beautiful woman to come over here...get in bed with me...and use the sexual version of the BP "Top Kill" method on me.

Ladies...if you only knew. If you only knew....

Leave all white collar criminals alone in a room with the victims...and give the victims immunity from whatever happens. Problem solved.

Ladies, if your man eats your booty for an hour...you have no right to complain about swallowing. That is all.

Do you know what it's like to pull the muscles in all of your toes and the soles of your feet simultaneously? Hi, I'm S. Anthony....

"There's just something special about KNOWING that you are going to get laid" And thus the roofie salesman concluded his presentation...

Have you ever looked longingly at someone who's life is in a downward spiral because it's better than the straight drop you're experiencing?

S. Anthony Says...

That BP oil spill was a great TV show. I hope that it doesn't confuse people for six seasons, then disappoint 30% of the fans in the finale.

I know that REPETITIVE motion injuries are painful, sometimes even serious...but I must admit, when someone says they have one I giggle....

Anyone else notice that the technique used to stop the oil spill is very similar to what freshmen in college have to endure? Just saying.

Faking foreplay since 1984.

Guys, if YOU were more mature and had more impulse control women could walk around topless. You deserve that freedom ladies....Freedom!

Utility company employees that come to turn you off are nothing more than loan shark leg breakers in blue uniforms.

I can tie soft serve ice cream into a knot with my tongue. Ladies?

What is the age cut off for using a wet nurse? Also, are there any women who don't mind dry nursing...or whipped cream nursing...or...

It's amazing how much cheaper a car inspection is when you take your money out of your gun holster.

If you have seen Sex and the City 2 and it takes you 4 hours to GET an erection please see your doctor.