Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Don't flirt with ME while you're on the phone with your homegirl complaining about the time it takes to get your STD test back. Gotta go!
I want to slurp on this woman's butt cheeks like they had nipples. Sorry. She's awesome...too bad YOU can't see her.
I just pimp slapped Keyser Söze. No YOU use old movie references! Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!
I think it's cute when a woman has a look of surprise on her face when she's licked in certain places. Yeah, this lady has class...for now.
No lady is beautiful enough to make me put up with stupid crap....for more that 45-90 minutes.
If I'm online shopping and I slip and fall can I sue the store? Hello? Frigging TV lawyers and their attitude problems...
Jan Brewer thinks organ transplants are OPTIONAL operations. Top THAT Sarah Palin! YOU just kill BEARS. Wimp.
Someone please start a "Green Tea Party"....loud aggressive people that make sense.
My 7 year old cousin said something ill informed and three mins later she was a front runner for a congressional seat in the next election.
Monday, November 29, 2010
"Hey honey, you spilled some whipped cream in your lap. I'll get it..." #birthofalifelongfetish
Special Message to gorgeous women: If ONE of you would commit to having regular sex with me, that would be nice. Thanks in advance. - S.
Don't sit in your car nude at the car wash to save time on showers. They notice....I've heard.
Say what you will about the half term hand artist formerly leading AK, but It takes talent to come up with something stupid to say EVERYDAY.
Wikileaks is dropping dimes on EVERYONE! See hot women, if ONE of you had slept with this dweeb years ago we wouldn't have this problem!
Please, someone steal the wikileaks guy's information and spill all of his secrets. I want to know EVERYTHING. Some things I already know...
My little cousins give me a hard time and say that I hold a grudge against cellphone companies and that's why I refuse to sign a long term contract with them. I don't hold grudges.
*grumbling under breath* Those little punks, I changed their diapers years ago. When I get old...payback time. I'm gonna make them change ME....even if I DON'T NEED IT! Yeah! Crap on me. I know that they were just infants, but they knew what they were doing! Yeah, damn it! Gonna tell ME that I hold a grudge. I remember one time when my nephew was eight.... ;-)
If politicians had to say everything job related "under oath"....ooooh that would be fun!!!
Never mind Mr Pharmacist. After talking to YOU my Uncle no longer needs the sleeping pills. Thanks.
Yes that was Jason Mraz on the car radio and no I DIDN'T turn away...so what!?! Shhh...Michael Bublé is coming on....
Use "Just for Men" all you want...you're still 60 and she's still 24. Unless there's Viagra or a tardis in that box...calm down!
"Inane, inaccurate, racist, self serving, look at me, look at me type comment." - Sarah Palin
Late night talk show hosts....STOP INTERVIEWING CHILDREN! None of you is Johnny Carson!! Stop it NOW!
My DirectTV dish is actually now picking up wikileaks as they steal files live. $39.99 well spent. Ooooh, look what was said about yo mama!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Special message to any woman dating me, DO NOT walk past me in your undies even during football, I WILL still f*ck you. My last girlfriend was surprised and complimented by that fact. I will NEVER choose football over being deep inside my woman. (Unless it's the Superbowl, but even then she'd get a halftime quickie...and let's keep it real, I'm definitely going to want some post game action.)
I'm going to ask WikiLeaks to leak to the TSA about me, so they can spend less time squeezing my balls. (Unless it's a hot woman then shh)
Hey, people who acted like asses on Black Friday, I make friends with the store managers and pick up things at my leisure. But you had fun, right?
I told my Aunt if you show up for Black Friday when the door opens You'll have a perfect view of EVERYONE ELSE getting things. T'was right.
The porno movie based on Wikileaks won't need much of a title change will it? ;-)
Teens and 20somethings stare into their cellphones so much, drivers licenses of the future will be pictures of people's ears.
Where was wikileaks when I was dating my ex? I could have used a file labeled "Get money soon or she'll start screwing some rich guy"
Sports, politics & religion are three things that turn seemingly nice people into assholes instantly. That's why they're ALL turning me off.
Wait, they just used the song from "RENT" to sell Diamonds? I guess that ad exec DIDN'T see the play or movie.
C'mon Wii, go that FINAL step...you've created simulations for everything else...you know what I mean...just add "ner" to your name...
Have you ever been stuck with someone who is a human "Auto correct?" I'm about to pull the battery out of his ass and bend his SIM card.
I want to bring back the WWE style drop kick. People will talk about getting punched...but drop kicked? Nope. Who'd believe them?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
As an American citizen I feel like a kid stuck between to immature parents having a vicious custody battle. It really is like that isn’t it? One is a mean drunk and the other is passive aggressive and withholds affection. What results do parents get in these types of occasions? Aggressive kids who make irrational and stupid decisions. “Keep your Government hands off of my MEDICARE!” etc. What happens when parents lie to the kids? They trust no one….or come up with ridiculous conspiracy theories (anyone watch cable news or listen to talk radio?)
So what do we do? We must demand a paradigm shift. If the goal of BOTH sides is to do what’s best for ALL concerned, then the haggling over the minutia is easy. With similar goals come similar pathways (If people are reasonable of course). But if the goal is merely to outdo or hurt the other, then EVERYONE is included in the collateral damage. Do you hear me Washington D.C.? I SAID DO YOU HEAR ME WASHINGTON D.C.? *sigh* Can I borrow someone’s bullhorn?
Children! Children! Willie Nelson has been arrested! You may come out of your fortified bunkers and play now! And the world was safe again.
You really wasted resources on arresting Willie Nelson? Are you kidding me? Why was there no arrest of the radio racist when he had drug problems? Better yet, why not stop the crap from coming into the country in the first place? Phony motherf*ckers.
Wanna stop construction workers from wolf whistling your teen cousins? Go to the biggest one & explain the ease of losing a body in cement.
When your understanding of what a "Friend" is changes...you find out that you don't have as many as you thought. Happy Holidays! ;-)
Life...you win. I quit. Sike! I'm gonna kick your ass!!!
When someone gets mad and says "Where do you get off?..." jump in with "Your Mom's booty!" They ALWAYS laugh and the fight ends, right?
"Ha! That's how I'd do it!" It's not a good idea to say that during "Criminal Minds" at a prospective girlfriend's parents' house.
The big scientific discovery is that the Universe was fluid in the beginning. So were all of us. Take THAT Universe!
The fact that this "hood" Chinese food store also sold cheap toilet paper should have been a hint upon reflection...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Watched MACHETE last night...I WANT TO BE ON AN ISLAND LICKING (for starters) MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ ! That is all.
I had to count my fingers after dinner last night...FYI, don't get between teens and free food.
Small business Saturday is supposed to boost the economy and save jobs. That's why D.C. is ALWAYS empty, we know they don't want to do that!
Why is it that we don't create new things,we just create new devices that make us re-buy old shit?
Buying chicken wings at Pizza Hut instead of Pizza because you think you're too cool officially crosses the line from contrarian to loser.
Hey, relatives too lazy to show up, but want thanksgiving food brought to them. NEVER leave annoyed people alone with your food.
I'm going to open up a bulk soap and toilet paper concession stand next to any place that has lots of women. I'm gonna be rich mofos!!!
So, your lady insists on fighting with you on the phone while you're working. Mr. Cashier...the future looks bright! Enjoy!
NEVER use truck stop bathrooms. I actually had to utter a sentence that I've never used before..."No, you can't suck it!"
Thanks retailers for turning regular Americans into fucking Jerry Springer audience members for YOUR amusement this time every year.
Can we all just agree that being an ill informed, bigoted xenophobe is a BAD thing? It would solve so many problems.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'm reaching the age where all the new music sounds the same. I thought my mom was making that up. The crunching sound is my brittle bones.
If you buy an older relative electronics or computers...turn off your phone for a week or so. That is all.
If you're married to or dating a ridiculously attractive person who abruptly becomes famous...tick...tick...tick...tick...
"Hey honey, since you don't want to watch porn...watch the TSA person to get some new ideas on how to handle my testicles"
America is a melting pot, the people on the bottom get burned and the top get spit on. Oops, sorry, that's from my Chili recipe...
Once you go black Friday, you never go to a white sale again.
I'm working on the world's first nonuple entendre...get ready...
"Fleebill" Decipher, then discuss.
Breaking News!!! Facebook sues porn industry for using the term "Facial" film at 11!
This time tomorrow I'll be wishing for a house fire.
I don't know about you people, but turkey ALWAYS tastes better off of a soggy paper plate. *SIGH*
Tell that turkey to stop looking at me like that. I didn't start this tradition damn it!
Ever found yourself auditioning to stay in a relationship? I used to. Now, I only show up for STARRING roles with TOP billing.
Who needs plastic surgery when you're cute, funny and great in the sack? Well, one out of three isn't bad, right? Right?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Word to the wise, if you're dating LESS than a year and they're already a pain in the ass....(Do I really need to tell you what to do?)
I dropped a friend off at home and he cringed when he saw that his wife was there. How far away should I drive before laughing at him?
One of my buddies always screams that Fox news is full of liars & bigots. Let me guess, the guests on MAURY have low self esteem too, right?
Women taste good. That is all.
I'm too old and too sober to do the things that I want to do right now.
Drug dealers, maybe if you didn't ALL dress the same and sell at exactly the same place you wouldn't keep getting arrested. Oh and you suck.
"Oh yeah, well why did you bend over, huh!?!" (This sentence has NEVER been a part of a conversation that ended well)
If anyone in my house turns on "Dancing with the Stars" at 8pm...you'll see me on the news at 11.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thanksgiving & Christmas are coming up, the two days that my family gets together. They should be more spaced out so the wounds can heal.
TSA: Sir...going to need to see ID.
Me: *drops pants*
TSA: Put IT away sir.
Me: Well, the colloquial name for it CONTAINS those letters!
If you want to "know where the time went" check that beer can in your hand you future cirrhosis having d-bag.
Thanks mom for raising me to be too nice to fully enjoy schadenfreude. I'd hold a grudge, but I don't do that either. DAMN YOU!!!
Seeing the dangerously aggressive driver that cut you off hit a huge pothole that flattens both front tires = Seeing a super hot porno. Yup.
Miley Cyrus just turned 18 which will make it a bad idea to shake hands with pervs for the next month.
Special message to the spouses of the famous. STOP TELLING FAKE STORIES ABOUT HOW NORMAL THEY ARE!!! They're rich and famous! STFU!
In a hostile takeover, my brain has taken control. My "you know what" is still too powerful to be exiled, so it works in an advisory role.
TV...I'm smart, you can begin treating me like it any time now. Thanks.
My Brass balls are going to relegate me to bus travel.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It would really save me a lot of time if they'd put teeth whitening gel in edible panties or women's body makeup. Just a thought.
Dear friend in a picture with a famous person, I would have believed you. You didn't have to break the restraining order. Bail money? No.
I want to start a movement banning quickies except in case of an emergency. (No sex for a while and you suddenly find 20 min alone etc)
I'm going to make MY decision about running for the Presidency based on how my nephew does in his 6th grade spelling bee.
I don't really believe in corporal punishment...but I do believe in leaving bad kids with people who do, winking...and walking away.
I remember when artists with nothing to prove performed like they had something to prove...the opposite, is hard to watch.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Just when I think I know how stupid people can be, someone I know lowers the bar.
Use your newborn cousin as a paperweight and you're weird...what about the decades of non-weirdness? Do they count for nothing!?!
Hookers are a TSA uniform away from respectability.
Was checking on my little cousin last night and saw the new tooth fairy. The motherf*cker is scary. Mail the teeth to him. Don't let him in.
I'm starting to think that it's NOT a coincidence that women are nicer to me after I've had my penis in them.
Narcissism + Good Looks (for people in your former profession) + Obfuscation of facts + Lazy Press + Bigoted followers = Click Here
Special message to teens and twenty somethings, if every one of you has a cellphone with unlimited minutes, there's really NO reason to scream at the top of your lungs to get the attention of someone two floors above you.
Playing cards for money in someone's house is dumb. What's even worse is robbing the card game. I don't think this mask is fooling them...
Friday, November 19, 2010
I tend to look at the human race from the perspective of an outsider. It helps me to maintain my sanity. People tend to fight over the most insanely stupid things, even when we should know that we are being manipulated. "The Battle of the Sexes?" Really? Don't we want the same thing...someone cool to hang out with who has sex with us regularly? That would make sense but...she's a little overweight. He'd be great but...he's too short. Etc. These are NOT our natural ideals. We are tricked into wanting someone/something that is in small supply so we are ALWAYS in a state of wanting. Wow, that would lower people's self esteem and make them want to buy things to feel adequate. Hmm...
Politics? Puh-fucking-leez. We have adults that are supposed to represent US that don't do anything but fight like children and lie like...well, politicians. I have NEVER as an adult be more embarrassed and ashamed of the discourse in this country. Not just the discourse but the lack of accountability. Some of the things that were said and done were and continue to be just plain disgusting...yet not enough people care, especially in the so called mainstream media. Why fact check when you can just regurgitate right?
The voting public? I repeat Puh-fucking-leez. They fall into the type of predictable patterns that Stevie Wonder could see while facing in the opposite direction. Also, you know that people are predictable when you can make up anything you want fact wise and they are always too lazy to check up on you. This of course also includes the people who don't want to check the facts because facts and their ideology exist in different universes. (Keep in mind, these are facts coming from people so dishonest that their profession is used as a pejorative term.)
So, what do we do? Think for ourselves. When someone tries too hard to spoon feed you information, react the same way you did as a child, cross your arms, shake your head and seal your lips. And don't stop...until you get what is right.
Haven't we all agreed as a society, when you're on the phone and put up one finger it means wait? I guess to my family it means LOUDER.
Do you know what I was just interrupted on a business call by my little cousins for? THE LOCATION OF THE SUGAR!!! I...need...an alibi.
Sarah Palin ISN'T a stupid person, which makes her bigotry and overt lies even more disgusting. (Not looking for a debate, just ranting)
I'm for the privatization of reproductive organs.
Speaking of reproductive organs...my ex did an IPO, and that's why I divested...and soon after, her market crashed.
FYI, carbon monoxide detectors DO NOT work better when wrapped in duct tape no matter what new additions to your will say.
Just stopped the little one from putting her hamster in the garbage disposal. Whew, I did it for her...she's too young to use that thing.
Wesley Snipes is going to jail? The streets will be so much safer now with a rich actor off the streets. Let the children come out and play!
Going to the Airport nude. Take that mofos!
Quick, if you get to the airport in 10 minutes they've switched to "Lickdowns" I've logged 70,000 miles today. Whoops, I'm next! Aw yeah!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Hey 20something, put the cellphone down before you get hit by a car...MINE...as soon as the light changes...c'mon light, she's getting away!
All of these nuts in Congress are showing their true colors. Remember the good old days when they were just incompetent thieves? Yeah, those were good times...
When I see a beautiful, classy woman fall for a classless crass come on, I look at her differently... I'd still sleep with her though.
Just overheard my 20something cousins trying to sound hot on the phone. In completely unrelated news, there's vomit on my carpet now.
There's one thing you can say about Congress, they're motivated. They started kicking you in the balls/ovaries immediately. Yay voting!!!!
Cause the problem...block the solutions: The new reality show starring the Congress.
No, I don't want to add my location! What is the internet, my mom now? Get out of here! Don't even think about cleaning my face with spit!
Now that we are all being recorded 24/7 I guess lie detectors are going to go the way of the betamax and voters who make rational decisions.
Is there ANYWHERE where there is NO advertising? Are they just going to hire big guys to just shake us upside down till money comes out?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
My car is now bra-less, I'm not buying that "It's just the wind" crap. That motorcycle next door was acting suspicious.
What's with these NBA players screwing each others wives and moms? Have they finally drained the "easy woman pool" dry?
A guy repeated a talking point that was so inaccurate that the only tool needed to debunk it was an attached brain stem.
Imagine a world where having sex with Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock & Eva Longoria isn't enough for you. I don't know if I want to be famous.
He menacing guy at the ATM, I see your scariness and raise with a hand in my jacket and evil look. Ha! I'm MORE scary. You lose d-bag!
Romantic comedies cause anal leakage, pink eye & gout. (Lets just get a rumor started to keep me from having to see more of those things)
Wait...you give bigots, crazies, liars and thieves power and they IMMEDIATELY screw you? Didn't see THAT coming.
If there's any famous, rich, gorgeous women who want a man that WON'T cheat and WILL do you daily...I'm right here. (I live to help others)
News shows, stop giving local preachers air time for minor, meaningless decisions. No one outside of their churches gives a crap. Thanks.
Special message to anyone working with me, when I get married... suggestively text my wife and I'll beat the shit out of you. Now you know.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Some ladies are OK in pictures, but in real life you want to wear a groove into their mattress. Yeah, I'm here to pick up your daughter sir.
I'm setting one of my stalkers up with the other....and just as I thought, a pro level staring match.
I'm going to buy a body scanner and start grabbing some body parts...aw yeah! Freelance TSA at your service!!!!
I'm forming a coalition of the semi attractive. We will withhold our services to society until WE start getting laid too. Viva la "Not Bad"
I don't care about celebrity breakups. Wow, rich pretty people who will replace their spouses before their genitals dry. Tell me more!!
$5 for a candy bar? You'd better learn how to pick pockets kid. #ibelievethechildrenarethefuture
Heroes gets killed and No Ordinary Family just shows up out of nowhere. The TV witness protection program sucks.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Some guys get angry at a woman when they find out that they have no shot. Gee, think your anger problems might have something to do with it?
Hey, guy peeing on my tree, wanna know the difference between a dog and you? I'm not about to kick a dog's ass.
You know those people that have to get an insult in whenever they see you? They're emotional toll roads. Take the back streets from now on.
Thanks talk show for using extreme examples of behavior to make your point...and yes my relatives serious problem WAS solved in 48 minutes!
Breaking news!! Gay people sue Dancing with the Stars for implying that they like that sh!t. Film @ 6 & 11!
I'm going to the airport and I'm going to act like there's something suspicious in my pants. Huh? There's a TSA scandal?
The TSA's said that they just like me as a friend. Bastards.
If they added "...and no more lame ass romantic comedies" to a single payer healthcare bill, that shit would pass easily.
The voice in my head is an enabler...so I'm cool...hold on *listens to voice in head*....no i'm GREAT!!!!
Don't walk on the beach without wearing your McCains (Yeah, I just did a flip flop joke...what of it?)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Hey teens, cursing doesn't make you more grown up. Knowing when to shut the hell up does.
Hey, advertisers...razor blades from the dollar store cut hair too. Also, they have cheap band-aids and tourniquets.
Did you know, when a person who cheated on you says "It just happened" it's legal for you to push them down the stairs? IT IS SO!!!
I love shallow people. They are usually very upfront about it thus making it easy to identify them and eliminate them from my life.
Hey, people who do denial of service attacks, most of what you're stopping is people engaging in time wasting bullshit. By stopping this, you make people MORE productive thus helping the companies that you hate. I'll bet that never crossed your minds. Well, continue...
Apple, Microsoft etc...stop worrying about making devices SMALLER, you have THAT down pat...it's time to work on BETTER or CONSISTENT. Ok?
Nerd + Asshole + too much spare time = Denial of service attack.
I'm the only one in my family NOT in a relationship, yet we have the same amount of sex...NONE...but at least my failures don't cost money.
Is 50 years of passionate banging too much to ask for? ;-)
It's amazing what your lady thinks is gross and disgusting until you do it to her after she's securely tied up...yeah...good times...
Thank Wii and Playstation Move...I always wondered what it would be like to play a game while simultaneously smelling ass and armpits.
I often wonder what I'd do with a tv show and editorial control...I mean besides, running, getting sued and random beat downs.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Being a political spouse is like being married to the mob....if the mob was LESS ethical...
Major sports leagues acting as if THEY have morals amuses me.
Can we call it something other than "Streaking?", because that makes what I'm doing right now a little embarrassing.
Hello pretty lady. You look sad, would 45 minutes of thrusting make you feel better?
I like watching college football . It's great to see people play before the game is corrupted by big money. Hahahahahaha!!!. I tried.
I want to get married, because ALMOST getting laid is better than what's happening to me right now. Not by much, but better.
Hi, customer service? Good, I ordered an upgrade from silver to gold for my clouds and they're not here. What do you mean out of business!?!
Friday, November 12, 2010
If you take up two parking spaces because you think you're more important, then you're twice the a-hole and should get twice the keying.
It's amazing, a person who would run across two lanes of traffic to save you after a car wreck, would vote to block the healthcare you'd need after it.
First Taylor Swift, now Matt Lauer...when will Kanye West stop attacking white women? Huh? Oh, sorry Matt. Kinda invalidates my point...
I can't wait until I'm one of the elite. This whole "Caring about OTHERS and feeling human compassion" thing is hard!
If Beck did the exact same show on Comedy Central that he does on Fox, people would think he was doing a great parody of an idiot.
My cousin just had a baby. If he had just stayed in there a couple more weeks I could have cancelled Thanksgiving. Selfish little...
If an adult runs into the street & almost gets hit, then gives YOU an evil look when it's THEIR fault...it should be legal to run them over.
My life is like a parking garage, go & you can't come back because of the tire spikes. Unless you pay the drowsy teen to look the other way.
Life is like a box of chocolates, observed, nibbled at...then thrown away. Unless you're me then it's eaten off of a cute lady's sweet ass.
Gift cards DO NOT = cash. If they did I'd still be talking to you.
High school reunions...it's funny how ladies who wouldn't look at me then are damn near approaching me bottomless now.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I'm a very polite person, if we're hanging out and I try to change the subject take a hint...the guy you're dissing is behind you, ass face.
The Donner party had the right idea. #thanksgivingwithfamily
*Salutes* Thanks to our veterans, those in my family and to ALL others
Too bad we don't have day time talk shows that reward GOOD behavior. Huh, me? Of course I wouldn't watch that crap! *Realizes hypocrisy* Oh.
Don't call my home more than one per week if I haven't been inside you. (Or you book comedy clubs...or I'm trying to get inside you...or...)
I just overheard a conversation so stupid that I wanted to go home and wash my clothes because I was too close to it.
Special message to women...EVERY guy that you came in contact with today wanted to put his penis in you. There...the secret is out.
Looking at this public bathroom makes me wish that they made dialysis machines for the general public.
"Myspace" is now "My_____". Lame. They've really crossed the---- with that idea. It won't fly with my O of friends. Ass( )s.!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Bush was upset that Kanye said that he didn't like black people? Do you know who else said that? The rest of the black people.
Politicians would get things done if they acted as teammates against society's ills and not as opponents...but that would take maturity.
Just had some "Fat Free" chocolate pudding....next up, I'm going to use condoms with Novocaine in them.
No! No one can tell.... (Just practicing. I have lots of delusional friends with esteem issues. I need to be convincing)
George Bush wrote a book, Sarah Palin wrote a book...and you didn't. Don't YOU feel stupid?
"Girl, you know that this is my heavy flow day..." Should NEVER be said on a cellphone, in public, within earshot of another human being.
When is this Sarah Palin reality series called "In your face everyday" going to get cancelled?
If she doesn't try to chew the ropes off...it's NOT kinky. (I love to amuse AND inform)