"Bwahahahaha! You think I care enough about you two to take sides in your dumb argument!!"

- Me when two people I know argue

George Clooney is getting married today.

GREAT!

That means there are more supermodels available to reject me. Life is good.

**********

I put my pants on one leg at a time. Then I quickly rip them off because they're held together at the sides with Velcro. Yeah.

**********

Plausible deniability < An angry guy with a bat that knows you did it.

**********

It's Official: George Clooney Is Married!

HA! I am NOW...

Bachelor NUMBER ONE!!!!

**********

I'm about to get drunk.

*looks at a picture of my dimples*

Well, I'm gonna need a ride home now. It's not safe for me to drive...

Sorry, I can't be what YOU want.

I can only be ME.

You'll let me do what, to your what?

*becomes what she wants and learns to like it*

**********

  Roger Goodell wrote iOS 8

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I want to have fans that attack people who diss me.

C'mon, get to work guys.

*VERBALLY ATTACK MY EX!!

(*Don't do that I'll get sued)

**********

If you buy the new iPhone 7, Derek Jeter will shag balls with you in your backyard... whether you want him to or not.

*Who knew driving a Camry could get you so much hot lady action?

Awww yeah.

(*None of that shit is even close to true)

Ideological discussions > Childish trolling

Facts > Fox (News?)

Anything > Fighting with assholes on twitter

Me today >Me yesterday

Remember those politicians that made it hard for you to vote?

Good, let's make it HARDER for them to EVER get a job in public office again.

I broke into U2's houses and put every episode of MY podcast on THEIR devices.

Deal with it!

(They'll probably quit music to join ME!)

I'm ashamed to say... I JUST noticed that Dolly Parton has big boobs.

Wait, Kim Kardashian has a huge ass!? Why was I not told of this!?

HEADLINE:

60% of Hong Kong women don't get laid enough

NEXT HEADLINE:

S.ANTHONY THOMAS MOVES TO HONG KONG

Guys, did you know you can tap the hip on the side of your body where the lower hanging testicle is and it will rise until they're even?

I usually only get called half of the N word. Somehow my facial expression seems to make the last half disappear.

'Only punks measure their "stuff" in inches/cm. I use scream volume and number of times per minute her eyes roll to the back of her head.

Well, THIS is awkward.
- Scotland runs into England at the supermarket after the independence vote

I'm having a vote today to secede from some of the people around me who suck.

Okay, the vote is in...

100% Fuck 'em
0% Keep them around

Larry Ellison is stepping down from Oracle with $46 billion. He should've finished college, he'd have made 1 million more in his lifetime.

After loading iOS 8, my sister's phone weighs 74 pounds.

Scotland votes to secede, right after iOS 8 comes out...

....coincidence?

I was never hit as a child.

NEVER.

Thanks Mom.

A 90 year old guy just told me that he has "The balls of a 70 year old".
I just asked how he was feeling. I will never ask that again.

It's grape the new Apple watch will pear with my computer, orange you going to get one?

*gets wedgied, pimp slapped and a pie in the face*

If you saw the way I just reacted to stepping on a rubber band in my bare feet, you'd probably put a spoon over my tongue and call 911.

I don't NEED Viagra, but I'm going to take some because I hate people standing close to me on long subway rides.

At this point, Anonymous is probably a little afraid of TMZ. Those bastards are getting all the celebrity elevator tapes...
#RayRice

TMZ > NFL = Eww.

I have no problem agreeing to disagree with someone. Eventually they'll realize that they're idiots, and wrong and will apologize.

Right?

Roger Goddell's great great great great grandfather banned Genghis Khan
for 3 games.

Bruce Levenson, owner of the ATLANTA Hawks is SHOCKED that he has so many black basketball fans...in ATLANTA?

Really?

Dude...ATLANTA...

                                (Photo: John Bazemore, AP)

The Illuminati hasn't given me a raise in years. Let's see how good the new guy is at sacrificing goats... I mean, what Illuminati?

*****

I just called someone the "N" word, so I'm selling my fantasy football team.

Wait, I have permission...

Never mind.

*****

Old guy: I don't agree with homosexuality

Me: Then don't blow or bang any dudes. Problem solved

Old guy: Hey, I'm no longer homophobic!

*****

*measures penis*

Nope, don't need an assault rifle or a "too big" truck.

I don't need to see leaked nudes of Jill Scott. That delicious woman has been nude, married to me and having my babies in my mind for years.

So far, I've thought "Nobody wants to hear that shit!" 15 times today during people's lame attempts at starting a conversation...