Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
I'm writing a movie called "The crack head". It's going to make "The Hangover" look like a friggin kids film! Yeah!
I used to work at a place that did political surveys, if YOU base your decision on what they say....hahahahahaha! You're an idiot.
Is there any way to make it illegal to use the words "Dance floor" or " Low" in auto-tuned songs...BEFORE I punch people in the neck?
I wonder if Tom Corbett (Gov of PA) roots against the Philadelphia Union soccer team...out of Union busting habit...
A friend looked at me like I had two heads because I was reading "The Teachings of The Buddha"... or maybe it was the whole nude on the subway thing. Either way...RUDE!
Little boobs...long nipples. Sometimes things that don't seem like they should go together end up being AWESOME. Cold rooms are the best!
I'm not going to Macy's anymore...their credit card is fu*king HUGE!!!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I may have officially moved into the "We'll tolerate his advice for old time's sake" portion of my relationship with my nephews.
Really? Donald Trump is playing the "Birther" game now? Celebrity Apprentice...I'm out.
Walk up to a gorgeous lady and say you want your navels to kiss. See how many punches to the face you get before your first YES. #coolgame
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
I have a 60 min version of Hulk Hogan's theme "Real American" that I play in the background during lovemaking. Yes, I use it when alone too.
Don't try to save money buy purchasing P90a. Trust me, I'm now 700 pounds.
People want personal space when you're BEHIND them too...but I say, DON'T have such a cute butt lady. Nice gun. Bye.
How are the lawyers in TV ads going to convince a jury to give you money, when they can't convince me that they graduated grade school?
Doing the pantomime from Jerry Lewis' "Errand Boy" at the restaurant on a first date will NOT get you any action. You have been warned.
Today's the 10th anniversary of my failed feminine hygiene product "Damn girl, you stink!" .That's when an inventor died & a comic was born.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Don't YOU love the rain? The life giving force & coolness of the water, the clean air, missing half of the show you're watching on the dish.
Have you ever gone appliance shopping with a relative knowing that they're going to bore of it and eventually give it to you? Yup, THAT.
Hey reporters that won't cover the WI protests...YOU are supported by unions too. Just saying...
Hey, people that write "House", it's my third favorite show but if you start that will they or won't they crap...I'M OUT!!!!
Just ate wonton soup and chocolate ice cream...NO YOU'RE PREGNANT!
Thinking about getting a bidet. Surprise drunk vomiting friend! SURPRISE!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Breaking Fake News! Wisconsin working to make it ILLEGAL for ANYONE NOT a BILLIONAIRE to speak unless spoken to. Film @6 & 11!
I use POWER STICK deodorant. That's right. Draw from that what you will ladies.
For ME to break up with Jessica Biel (aka voluntarily stop putting my penis in her) I would have to SEE her shooting at my mom.
Draconian laws AGAINST lying on the news would be great...wait, that'd clear more cable space for reality shows...DAMN! No winning here!
Where are the jobs Mr Boehner? What do I need this travel brochure for? Oh.
I'll take candy away from the babies later, I'm taking their healthcare & education now... but I'll be back! - 112th congress/NEW Governors
My nephews are here this weekend, I'm going to create a household surplus by not feeding them or letting them use the toilet. #scottwalker
"Death Wish 2" just came on. The character Bronson plays looks like he MAY have anger issues.
Today's movie lesson...dudes in old movies CANNOT fight. I would so kick a cowboy's ass...
Come on girl, get outta that bathroom! Man, she's gonna be in there until 1990! - Every 70's black sitcom
What the hell are these black people doing HERE? - every 50's sitcom (Edited out for syndication)
We don't exist. - every 30's sitcom
Thursday, March 10, 2011
If Scott Walker would pull his head out of the Koch brother's asses for just a second, MAYBE he'd hear what the PEOPLE want. SELLOUT!
Why is there a note saying "F*ck you, signed Scott Walker" in my grilled cheese sandwich?
Do YOU think that Scott Walker watches the last 5 minutes of the movie "Hoffa" and pleasures himself? I do.
I go home to visit my family and it's raining cats and...oh, nevermind. They're just cleaning off that weird lady's roof.
I wonder how many people would get slapped hard if a tourist destination was named "Balls Deep" BEFORE people knew you WEREN'T being fresh?
*looks around for approval, finds it* "THIS? It's ALL been about THIS?" *disappointedly tosses it over shoulder* "Puh-freaking-leeez...."
These NEW Governors are so blatant in their disregard for people it's like a chef LEAVING THE KITCHEN and peeing in YOUR food AT THE TABLE.
Ladies, there are many, many things that I would LOVE to do to YOUR butts. ALL weird, ALL would feel AWESOME to you. You have been warned.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wow. They aren't even trying to hide their disdain for you WI. Wow.
Breaking Fake News! Scott Walker working on a "Bring back slavery and this time include white people" bill. Film at 6 & 11!
Strip clubs, strip mining, stripping unions rights...I'm sensing a theme here.
Hey man, I can't watch this TV show anymore, it "jumped the WI GOP" a long time ago.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Take THAT you red nosed, big shoe having, makeup wearing loser!" - Jared to Ronald McDonald.
Certain types of requests and even the amount of requests for your time are inherently disrespectful. Think about it....
Why do these energy drinks only give you energy for 5 hours at a time? I mean you have to keep buying...wait a minute! You slick bastards!!!
Fish oil tablets PROMOTE heart health? I put my ear to the bottle EVERY morning before I take them. They haven't said ANYTHING. Liars!!!!!
It's kind of depressing that the same jokes ridiculing the government in an episode of "Good Times" are just as accurate today....
C'mon new Governors, it's one thing to be a contrarian, it's another to be draconian nut cases.
Thanks to credit card companies/banks there is a new relic in the Smithsonian to visit. "The Loan Shark"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sheen has Millions of dollars, regularly gets to sleep with TWO hot women in a mansion. I DON'T get to do that. Who's crazy again?
The mechanic was having trouble opening his jack... this is not good.
Social media/social networking sites... Enjoy them for what they are, but don't take them TOO seriously = Don't be an asswipe. That is all.
Couldn't convince my health nut date that my semen was "whole grain". Back to the drawing board...
Breaking News! Mike Huckabee says to sold out conference "Fire BAD!" film at 6 & 11.
Chalie Sheen FIRED! Where are the jobs Mr. Boehner!?!
It doesn't take a degree in Social anthropology to see that xenophobia is as addictive as drugs. Watch cable news and E!. I rest my case.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
PLEASE explain to teens that order pizza from YOUR house that they MUST tip! I don't want ANGRY DRIVER'S BODY FLUIDS to be my free topping.
A smart lawyer could make tons of money representing women with small/medium asses in a class action suit against hip hop video makers.
Unlike that punk tortoise, when I catch "the hare"... I'm going to talk MUCH sh!t.
Going to the doctor's office Wednesday morning to get a finger inserted in my anus so she can check my prostate. An appointment? No... an "Understanding"? Yes.
My narcissism is at the Mendoza line. I'm narcissistic enough to think that people will be interested in what I write, but NOT enough to pay attention to whether people actually do or not...
That's how it works, right?
Who cares? Back to ME!!!!!!!
I wish I could get paid to tweet like the stars do, especially about my LOVE for Subway® sandwiches, Trojan® Condoms and Rihanna's Ass®!
I would LOVE to be Esperanza Spalding's upright Bass.
Celebrity Apprentice = Celebrities desperate for attention. The NEW show title should be "Really, It's come to THIS?"
Saturday, March 5, 2011
You know those canaries in those coal mines? I killed them. Yup, and thus forced people to use an inaccurate phrase for years. I run sh!t.
Don't you just LOVE having EVERY ASPECT of your daily life broken down, repackaged and SOLD back to you? Yeah, modern life is fun!
If you put in TOO MUCH detergent and the water comes out black & WITHOUT suds, your clothes are disgusting and you CAN'T borrow my jacket.
I just realized that there are LESS talented people who are MORE successful that me. This has got to stop. ;-)
Yeah, I yelled FIRE! But they STOOD to run out, so that counts as a standing ovation. YES IT DOES! Oh crap, the police! Gotta go!
Hey, Charlie Sheen...huh? We're NOT doing that anymore? Oh... should I break out my Mike WTFabee material then?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The NFL, WI, OH.....DAMN! Why are billionaires so pissed off? Did union workers and the middle class say something nasty about their mamas?
Having THIS congress in control is like working WITH your vindictive, cheating ex, who's pissed because you are happily remarried now.
20yr anniversary of the Rodney King beating. Hey, let's ALL celebrate the anniversary of horrible stuff! 3yrs ago my ex acted like a ho,Yay!
ALL interviews that Megyn Kelly does with a democrat sound like the uncomfortable public marital spat that signals the end of a marriage.
So...ALL urinals don't go to the floor. Got it.
Never any problem recruiting for class warfare, is there? (See how deep and thoughtful I am ladies? *checks breath* Can we get it on NOW?)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm a relationships guy. I don't know when I'm being flirted with. I wish this nude lady would stop shouting "Stick me" so I can think!
If you spray deodorant on your genitals and it burns you...don't tell me and your other comic friends about it and expect us to NOT laugh!
I'm part tank, part jet plane, part lion, part...I really should have gone to the emergency room after hitting my head huh? This IS A PHONE!
Can someone please make it illegal for school kids to buy 5 cent candies when an adult who's in a hurry wants to buy a sandwich damn it!
It's not good when your date tells you that she chooses her soap by how much it assisted her in her most recent paraffin test.
Extra Strength Tylenol....good for muscle aches and pains, and being trapped next to teenagers discussing their relationships on cellphones
So, I guess Ohio got tired of WI and AZ getting all of the attention. YOUR turn FL! Ban breathing after 5pm! Bring it, show them "crazy" FL!
Success. SUCCESS! Don't you run from ME! *shoots dart into it's ass, catches it and begins taunting* Thought you could get away huh? Nope.
Don't call a woman under 60 a "Broad" there are so many ways that it can go wrong. Am I right guy who's balls are hurting now? He said yes.
If you buy book readers to save time, *sigh* it takes the SAME amount of time to LISTEN to books. Oh, you're waiting for me to read this...