Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Mailing my ex back the crap that she left in my house. How much does it cost to send 3 years of lies and bad feelings 2nd day mail?

Thank god for tourette's syndrome, I don't have it but it gives me a chance to scream at people to go eff themselves...without getting shot.


Cyber Monday today. I'm getting ready though for "Take that cheap sh!t back Tuesday"...my friends are bad give givers sometimes.

Saw a commercial for "The Bachelor". 25 hot women fighting over a narcissistic douchebag. Now you know a cheerleaders final stop before meth.

So many people dump their prescription drugs down the toilet that those drugs are in the drinking water. So F*CK YOU Poland Spring!!!!!

I'm going to get my flu shot at Walgreens and my cousin is getting her tubes tied at Jiffy Lube...we'll both be finished in 10 minutes...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Got my beer, my pizza, my phone off the hook, my buddies and my adult diapers...it's football sunday!!!!

I would sign the petition to get the perv writing nasty things on the walls of my neighborhood...but they might recognize my handwriting.

I've got the 10 commandments in a hat...shaking it up...picking one to break today and....ah...good one.....

Atm card is to Atm as a)Tree is to forest B) Key is to lock C) Giving me three inputs regularly is to a big diamond and a wedding...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

People should have a bar code. Then you could "scan" them to check their emotional price tag. *Beep* Daddy issues...back on the shelf!

Sometimes you have to just relax and delegate. Right now I'm having my relatives chew my food for me...yeah...a relaxing day....

Friday, November 27, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

It's Black Friday for burglars too. They know you're not home.

My cheating ex wants me back. Not only was the grass not greener, the other guy was just a little bag of sticks and seeds. Hahaha!..Click!

There were so many people packed into Walmart it looked like one of their children filled factories in china...

Hey TV drug sellers, if death is one of the side effects, why even mention the others? You're not worried about dry eyes when your ass is DEAD!!

On the Wii video game, guys dominate games that have a jerking motion and women are better with the buttons. Why?.....oh.

I don't like pumpkin carving, It makes me feel like I'm starring in a spinoff of Dexter on B.E.T.

New Moon huh? So now women are in love with 21 year old vampires that look like models? Way to set realistic expectations ladies!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Is there an iphone app that keeps your phone from being obsolete in 6 weeks?

Your GPS system isn't supposed to say "oh shit!"... right?

Just bought a knife sharpener. My knives were dull...and my little
cousins boyfriend needed to know that I really meant HOME BY 11.

New Coke...nope. Back to Coke classic. Rohypnol...nope. Back to

beer. In America, there's always people who insist on going old

school.


Hey, I've been rubbing peoples faces in my crotch for decades

now. How come Adam Lambert gets on T.V. and I don't? Not

fair!!!!!


Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we all gain 20 pounds

on our butts and lose 50 points in credit score. Why do we

keep doing this again?


I remember the good old days when parents used to

look for magazines under the bed. Now they search for

sticky hastily hidden flash drives.


Febreze®, for when you don't care enough to clean

but have just enough self esteem to not want to stink.

Do you think they'd like that slogan?


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

People are outraged by Adam Lambert? In Hollywood? I've been to parties where he'd be the wallflower....or not even get in...too square!!!

I've been in so many bad relationships that I'm extremely low maintenance now. Basically...just don't shoot at me....with LIVE ammo.

President Obama pardons a turkey, Dick Cheney shoots it in the face. Film at 11!

Black Friday is crap. Get up at 5am to fight through a crowd for the right to buy something? Hell no! Dance monkeys..Dance!

Dance to the beat of your own drummer is a politically correct way to say "Imitate the mentally ill guy on the subway platform"

Automatic doors are to doormen what illegal aliens are to American born landscapers.

No cellphones while driving, no drinking, no texting. Boring. Thank god for Sudoku.

Retail thieves, every store has video cameras. You are going to

jail. Is getting a job really worse than daily forced anal to you?


My last girlfriend is CYBERSTALKING me. No hiding in a car or

stealing my underwear. That's the lack of commitment that got

you dumped hon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

To help keep people from being embarrassed and injured, the golf course should label the machine "GOLF BALL" washer. Just saying...

Massive crib recall....no sir...put down the gun...we didn't mean your house, we meant baby cribs...sorry for the confusion...

Hey valet! Why am I paying $10 for you to drive my car a block? If you wanna earn some money, pick me up at my house!

Sin tax? If they charge taxes for everything that's bad for us, my last girlfriend would have cost me more than a high priced call girl.

Candles...Check, Romantic music...Check, Sexy wife...Check, Binoculars...Check, Popcorn...Check, Hiding Place...Check, Recorder...Check...

My nephew wants me to teach him to drive, so if someone I don't like gets run over....can you say plausible deniability?....

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Honesty is the best policy... hahahahahahaha! Sorry, every once in a while I try to say one of those idiotic clich├ęs with a straight face.

The drug "alli" will stop 25% of the fat you eat to help with weight loss. Do you know what else does that? Your lips.

They're thinking of taxing plastic surgery. I thought people would be upset about it but I guess not, they were all expressionless. Oh.

Ironic isn't it, that baby oil is most often used in an activity that makes babies impossible? (Unless you are a really good shot.)

Ripoff! Free triple score.com has nothing to do with having a foursome. Bastards!

Advocacy journalism IS JUST LIKE GUANO and by that I mean it's just another name for sh!t.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Randomness...

Who needs an alarm when you can be awaken by the morning meth head fight across the street...my snooze alarm? A brick....good day sunshine.

I hate kids being taught to "Need" products. Not me baby. Well, i'm off to buy my iphone in my Prius... wow, this Starbucks coffee is great!


I haven't gotten one gift since I put that restraining order on Santa. He may also be mad at me for shooting at him. Hey, it was dark.


Why is it so easy to get married but hard to get divorced? You can wake up married in Vegas...never happens the other way.

I love PBS. Uh....just so there's no confusion PBS is my nickname for pubes.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Randomness...

I refuse to call "Radio Shack", "The Shack" or K-mart, "The big K" or Kentucky Fried Chicken, "KFC".


I have been diagnosed with Up syndrome, It means I sneeze when I'm around someone who's on uppers *Achoo Achoo Achoo*...wait a minute...


If someone steals your identity they should have to replace it with a better one.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Randomness...

I'm think retail stores are so cold to stop pants-free shopping. Jokes on them, I'm wearing pants but my bottomless picture is on my hat.


Breaking News!! They have changed their minds. Women are now to get HOURLY MAMMOGRAMS starting at age 20. Film at 11.


I will be using editing software I just purchased to edit myself into several hit films so my resume will be filled with less lies. ;-)


Breaking News! Much like with women, the guidelines for men have changed. No prostate exams unless you hear crunching when you sit down.


No shoes, no shirt, no service? Okay, but the jokes on you Burger King, I've already been served...so hellooooo exposed genitals!!


Just checked the web to find the felons in my area. Everyone but me on the block is a violent felon. *SIGH*...I'm left out of the fun again.


I have actually become bored with porno. Does anybody have any ideas what I can fill those 6 hours a day with now?

Breaking News! Jerry Springer to take over Oprah show. "Favorite things" now will be slap fights, kickboxing trannies, incest & meth heads

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Randomness...

Everything that ISN'T sex IS cock blocking.

Surveillance cameras add 15 pounds and 20 years to you.

I would burn down my house to avoid the family coming over for thanksgiving but my Amish friends would just built me another one. Why did I do those Damned comedy shows in Lancaster Pa?

Some ladies think guys should have "Married" tattooed on them. I hope it happens. My first move afterwards...selling cheese graters.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Randomness...

My doctor asked me if I wanted the new male birth control pill. I said no until he told me i'd only have 3 periods per year afterwards.

Playgirl Magazine? Ladies, do you really have a hard time seeing guys naked? Really? Ever try saying "Get naked!" It's that easy.

The woman I'm seeing now is beautiful, sexy, smart and...oh crap she found the camera....gotta go.....

Blast from the past....."What is a euphemism for the recurrence of an old venereal disease Alex!"


When will all you can eat restaurants learn? So many plastic lined coat pockets....so little security at the door....


I will never watch Glee. I didn't go out to see the movie High School Musical and I will not have it's weekly T.V. cousin invade my house.