Today was a good day....

Consider this either a warning or a selling point ladies...when I say that I'm going to f*ck you all night, take it literally. Now you know.

Ladies please shave your armpits. Yeah, I know...with hair there they hold the whipped cream better, but they're less pleasant to lick.

I will no longer do anything that requires wearing a cup. No more football, kickboxing or dating your mother.

Yo, Starbucks mgr, the sign says no shoes/shirt no service! Where does it say that I CAN'T put my junk in the coffee? It's MINE after I pay!

People....if someone is nice enough to let you vent to them about how awful your DAY was... DON'T DO IT IN REAL TIME.!!!!!!

So, you ARE getting the breast reduction? Is your twin sister keeping her boobs? Oh, really? I've changed my mind, she can move in...

I enjoyed peoples response to my armpit post, so let me put it ALL out there. If you're MY woman you WILL get licked EVERYWHERE and OFTEN.

Him: (Seeing two hot ladies kissing) "Man..to be a fly on the wall at their house!" Me: "Nah, i'd rather be in bed fu*king them."

It's prom time. Half dressed teens and their inappropriately dressed single moms...who'll have the house all to themselves, all night. Yeah!

I just flipped through the channels and...Oprah has a huge booty and huge breasts...WOW! Whatever I had in my pockets just got crushed!!!

If those BP execs have teen daughters that get pregnant...they'd better not be too hard on them...spills happen. Condoms/Oil rigs. Right?

Teens and twenty somethings....drug dealers ARE NOT boyfriend material. You'd be better off with a pervy older dude. Hi...I'm S. Anthony....

Sex without ejaculation is like...not going to happen if you want a ride home. Wait what?