When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, life has been handing me shit lately...so I'm making a cable news network.
One of my exes was sexual napalm also. It's been years since we dated and the burning JUST stopped.
This guy just missed his stop in a revolving door. If you drive that badly they take your license. I might have to take this guys shoes.
There are many more stupid people in the country than I thought.
I want to thank my neighbor for going to work at 9am giving me plenty of time to read his paper in the bathroom before returning it.
DO NOT flash the red light traffic camera. It doesn't make you more believable when you tell the judge that you weren't drinking.
If you look normal in a funhouse mirror, that's good right?...Damn.
Always guard your drink on a date. Some lady put something in my beer that made me interested in hearing about her cats. Calling 911 now...