Don't shoot the messenger. Follow him back and shoot the person that sent the message.
Who needs reality shows when I have...Uh, a person has spy cameras. My neighbor has a cute butt...and she has my lawnmower! That liar!!
I accidently caught some of "The Bachelor" and not only did brain cells die, they died of auto erotic asphyxiation.
That healthcare summit yesterday looked like a custody battle between two parents who are each shouting "No...you take him" "NO...YOU!"
I've got so much drywall dust in my hair I look like I've been standing under a 7 foot cokehead, or had a girlfriend with vaginal dandruff.
Just spent the whole day helping a friend lay carpet and hang drywall....even as a euphemism today sucked!
I have a sad sack friend who has every stock he buys crash. I'm gonna loan him money to buy healthcare stocks. Take that you evil mofos!
I wish milk always came out of titties...I slurp on them endlessly anyway...but wouldn't it be nice.