Have you ever held onto something for fear that it could never be replaced? Then you know my pain. Goodbye processed foods...I will miss ye!

Accepting everything and expecting nothing is a philosophy that has made life easier. Nah, that's no fun! Narcissism time! ME! ME! ME! ME!

Breaking news! Korans have broken out of bookstores and have begun burning mindless, stupid media whore, dick headed preachers! Film @ 11!

Just saw a funeral procession that had a cement truck behind it and my first though was "Man, the mob has gotten really multi-tasky"

I would like to announce to the press that I officially don't give a damn who celebrities are fu*king...unless it's me. Thanks. -The world

Remember this formula: 25cents + a smile adds value, 25cents + insults decreases the value. Remember that when giving homeless people money.

Also, after licking a hookers armpits, if you're in the hotel bathroom gargling/scraping your tongue...close the door, they have feelings.

"Critical Thinker"... If that description is considered an insult, then the first word is too accurate of you and the second word.

If ANYONE in my family asks you to give them a QUICK ride somewhere...fake a seizure, or start a fire. That is all.

Burning...another religion's sacred text...is WRONG. Come on political cowards, say it with me...