I just married two gay dudes, take THAT supreme court!

Have a few gray hairs isn't a death sentence...unless not being able to sleep with hot you women is a death sentence. Yeah, it kinda is huh?

No no no! We said support BACKGROUND CHECKS, not stand in the background and take checks! Congress must be hard of hearing...

I do my podcasts bottomless. Yeah, that's why they make you happy. Even though you didn't know that, you felt something great was happening.

Your mom has that new car smell. Guess why? I'll give you a hint...I got it on with her in her new car. I'm bad with hints...

Walk up to a stranger and slowly whisper, "Your ear wax smells yummy..."
FUN! (Also...RUN!)

I just sewed a rip in my shirt collar with my testicle hair and now random women stop me on the street to tell me they love my cologne.

When cats fight in my backyard, I trash talk the loser. "Yeah, that's what you get for chewing up my trash bags...PUSSY!"

Let's see who can grow the longest nose hair! Starting....
NOW!


A grown man hiding from a two year old so he can enjoy his last cookie without hearing begging and crying....

Wow. Well, finished my cookie. Ha! None for you kid.
#realman