Before you continue, why would I want a rat's ass? That makes no sense. No...explain why I'd want you to give me a rat's ass? Weirdo!

Dear billionaires running for President....WHY?

That's like Ron Jeremy getting enlargement surgery!

That's like ME getting even cuter!

I don't tweet for popularity, or money, or stars or RT's...
I tweet in that vacuum for the sheer joy of knowing I'm an undiscovered genius.


"Don't say anything, but this "Blacks only" water fountain tastes better... I mean how would I know?"
- Dude who talks too much circa 1955

Oh! NOW I understand the law of diminishing returns! Yup, they were so right about that!


I trick people with bait and switch and switch back. Oh, wait.


"This is getting old!"
- A dumb guy 5 seconds before being knocked out by his wife for pointing at her while saying that

I need a new marketing team. The sales of my "Armpit hair extender for Women" just won't take off...


"Breaking NEWS! President Obama was born on MARS!"
- Dumbasses