Monday sucks, coffee is good. Well, see you tomorrow, my work here is done! ;-)

Man, I really Wish people would invite me to some events on Facebook. (Editors note: Don't invite me to lame assed events. Thanks)

Hey Superman, why fly around the world to go backward in time? Just fly to congress. Efficiency my Kryptonian friend. Efficiency!

I was secretly born in Kenya.

One sweet boob. One delicious female butt cheek. - My proposal for NEW pudding and whipped cream serving sizes.

Rihanna & Britney are collaborating. Buy your hand lotion stock NOW!

A lady that I slept with had "Las Vegas" panties on and AFTERWARD she said to me *teasing* "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" I have never wanted to unf*ck someone so badly in my whole life. (True)

New word...Powerbanging. You're welcome.

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Lawyer :1 I'm taking a case to the supreme court that'll help working people!

Lawyer 2: You'll lose 5-4

Lawyer 1: How do you know?...Oh.

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"Internment camps for the writers of romantic comedies"- Vote S. Anthony Thomas in 2012 Independent Candidate for President

I only have a guest pass to the cool kids club. I think they just want to keep getting the renewal fee.

My cult following's cult following has a cult following. In other words, the only person that likes me is THAT GUY. Hey! Where are you going dude? Get back here!!!!!