Sometimes I feel guilty laughing at those "tough" teens that have their "Scared straight" moments on talk shows. HE'S CRYING AGAIN! Ha ha!

The last woman that I dated was an angry jealous woman, so much so that she hated female servers when we went out. I blame Obama.

Some guy trapped everyone in the gas station by parking illegally. Please universe...send a car jacker his way...one with pink eye!

I've been out of the dating pool too long. When a lady says "Stop licking me sir!" That's good, right?

I'm starting to think that the people who are trying to repeal healthcare are secretly heavy investors in the casket and shovel businesses.

I practice tantric sex...so NO, I DON'T cook much. Or lose arguments. Or...

People are living longer and longer and longer. I'm starting to think that it's NOT modern medicine...it's spite. "Now it's time to wipe MY ass ya bastards!"

I don't want the celebrity....I want a woman that looks like the celebrity. Fame and fortune, I can get for myself.

SHIT! My shipment of dead birds just fell out of the plane! #mysterysolved

I just lunged menacingly at my alarm clock so I don't have to waste time smacking it tomorrow.

Workout now....HELL NO! Workout tomorrow, *sigh* alright.

I begin the quest for world domination tomorrow. It's okay, I wear boxer briefs now. You can't take over the world without the right undies.