Stop giving press attention to the Westboro Church please. Fuck them.

Why the hell do you have the birth of your kid on your iphone? Okay, I understand...but why surprise ME with it? I'm just her godfather!

It amazing how many people only recognize the "Shut up this is the wrong time to discuss this look" when THEY'RE giving it.

Special message to hotties that only date bad boys. HA! I'll be over here overwhelming your friend (who likes us nice guys) with pleasure. Say hi to your new guy...after he's done getting your aunt pregnant.

When I see a person who's supposed to be Christian but not acting like one wear a "wwjd" bracelet I show my "nts" bracelet "Not that shit".

Breaking Fake News!! Westboro Church starts kitten punting contest because they've run out of PEOPLE to hate. Film at 11!

I'm writing a movie called "Lick those Bauls" about a guy who wants to win a bowling tournament against the "Baul" family. Take that Deniro and Stiller!

Mrs. Palin, hurry! Jan Brewer has a "Death Panel" in AZ! Stop her! Tweet or something!

A bus driver honked his horn at me because I didn't turn the corner fast enough. Apparently when you drive a bus you CAN run people over.

Just saw a commercial for a sale on electronics very similar to black Friday prices. See grandma, a sale where a helmet ISN'T necessary!