John Boehner is going to be a busy man...now that his balls are bigger...THEY MUST BE TANNED TOO!!!

I just spent 4 hours putting together a bunch of IKEA furniture for my mom. We're even now. I will now begin calling her by her first name.

The last time I spent that much time on my mom's floor I was a kid hoping that the porn channel would magically unscramble.

I feel guilty. An overtly obnoxious person on their cellphone ALMOST got hit by a car (not paying attention)...and a part of me was sad.

There should be a "Complaining about my spouse" time limit. I really don't want to be forced to say "No one gives a f*ck but YOU!"

Gee, I hope EVERYONE who was horrible at their job writes a book. Thanks President Bush!