"Hey honey, you spilled some whipped cream in your lap. I'll get it..." #birthofalifelongfetish

Special Message to gorgeous women: If ONE of you would commit to having regular sex with me, that would be nice. Thanks in advance. - S.

Don't sit in your car nude at the car wash to save time on showers. They notice....I've heard.

Say what you will about the half term hand artist formerly leading AK, but It takes talent to come up with something stupid to say EVERYDAY.

Wikileaks is dropping dimes on EVERYONE! See hot women, if ONE of you had slept with this dweeb years ago we wouldn't have this problem!

Please, someone steal the wikileaks guy's information and spill all of his secrets. I want to know EVERYTHING. Some things I already know...

My little cousins give me a hard time and say that I hold a grudge against cellphone companies and that's why I refuse to sign a long term contract with them. I don't hold grudges.

*grumbling under breath* Those little punks, I changed their diapers years ago. When I get old...payback time. I'm gonna make them change ME....even if I DON'T NEED IT! Yeah! Crap on me. I know that they were just infants, but they knew what they were doing! Yeah, damn it! Gonna tell ME that I hold a grudge. I remember one time when my nephew was eight.... ;-)

If politicians had to say everything job related "under oath"....ooooh that would be fun!!!

Never mind Mr Pharmacist. After talking to YOU my Uncle no longer needs the sleeping pills. Thanks.

Yes that was Jason Mraz on the car radio and no I DIDN'T turn away...so what!?! Shhh...Michael Bublé is coming on....

Use "Just for Men" all you want...you're still 60 and she's still 24. Unless there's Viagra or a tardis in that box...calm down!

"Inane, inaccurate, racist, self serving, look at me, look at me type comment." - Sarah Palin

Late night talk show hosts....STOP INTERVIEWING CHILDREN! None of you is Johnny Carson!! Stop it NOW!

My DirectTV dish is actually now picking up wikileaks as they steal files live. $39.99 well spent. Ooooh, look what was said about yo mama!