If I had a time machine, I'd use it to reconnect with all of the REAL friends I've had throughout my life.

Oh, and win the lottery.

Make sure BOTH of your balls are in your selfie. One is already jealous of the other because of the height discrepancy.

I take extra showers just to have an excuse to feel myself up.

Burger King is leaving the country because...well I'm not sure...but that King looks like he did something bad... really bad. Look at him...