They say to extend the life of your batteries, you should kill them completely once a month, THEN refill them. It works. (Editors note, it DOES NOT work on goldfish and turtles)

I am officially endorsing Barack Obama for President....election over....I have spoken. (I'm waiting for my invitation from Piers Morgan)

When I'm famous, I'm going to date meteorologists instead of models. You still get a high level of hotness and FIRST crack at weather info!

I'm going to start eating right and exercising. Wishing isn't working fast enough. All I keep getting are these magic lamps.

After months of having a weight attached....I have achieved success!
My testicles hang EVENLY.

Jealous?

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Don't try to "Out-Indifference" ME honey! I wrote the book! You can't beat ME Sue! Oh, your name is... MARY?

Exactly......

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What are people talking about? Watching this paint dry is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Why do the candidates HAVE TO debate? I was FULLY aware of the fact that they disagree. Weren't YOU?