I'm going to get dressed up for Halloween and walk around my old neighborhood because I haven't had someone try to kick my ass for a while.

Telling a woman that your REAL name is "Me Deepupinya" is not as effective as you'd think. My grandpa lied to me!!!!

"NO, I'm giving YOU a ticket!" - a rich guy about to be pimp slapped by a pissed off, overworked, soon to be retired meter reader

I just bit a bedbug. I was so worth waiting under it's bed all night. Take THAT!