When you Photoshop your genitals...they DON'T become 30 inches in REAL LIFE. A friend told me that. I certainly didn't do that crap...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be popular here too...and look what happened to me!

The "Devil" didn't make you do anything. You're just an asshole.

Only one woman I've dated has grabbed my ass to pull me in for a kiss. I'll probably marry the next one that does it...

Dear ladies, no deodorant chips in your armpits please. I have a hard time distinguishing that from the whipped cream I'm gonna put there...

To help with temporary acid reflux, my doctor gave me a medicine that made my tongue numb...and with THAT my respect for porn stars grew...

That space between a woman's boobs ALWAYS fits my face PERFECTLY...