I saw an actual phone booth today. You'd think people would understand that changing clothes in there was "nostalgia", NOT a "misdemeanor"

Why do women resist getting their butts slurped until you slurp their butts....and then won't let you STOP slurping their butts?

My sister must really drive fast. I'm watching the POV shots from the driver during the FEDEX 400 car race and thinking MOVE I'm late!!!

When someone says they're going to "Rake me over the coals" it freaks them out when I say COOL! You're going to make me juicy and delicious!

I had a girlfriend named celebrex in school, ironically I gave her arthritis in her left hand. She was nice.

Jiggling butt cheeks make me dizzy. NOT yours sir! That hot girl next to you! Narcissist!