Boobs with implants are low in sodium.

Dear EVERY guy in EVERY infomercial....CALM...THE FUCK...DOWN.

I’m eating healthy now, and I feel better, but if you walked past me with a western omelette with cheese and home fries, your ass = whipped!

When someone shakes up your soda before giving it to you, funny. What’s funnier? Knowing they did it and opening the soda towards them.

I like women with huge asses. Their ability to make their booties clap saves me from having to go through 15 minutes of pre-lovin' spanking.

Once you go black... (Nothing, I mean you're unconscious. What did you think? Huh? Oh you thought I meant...Oh...)

Judging by her swollen cheeks, I should have purchased gluten free condoms...

If you've seen your woman get drunk and chew through handcuffs....don't pester her for oral. I lost a good friend that way...

Green tea is regular tea that never brushes it's teeth.

My lesbian friends call what they do scissoring but they have not cut any of this paper in half at all.

I though my nipple slurping skill was waning, but this is a mole, on her back, and it's not her and I'm not home and oh crap...a gun...