For those wondering...yes, I do sound like a young Morgan Freeman.

Sorry Charlie Sheen, THAT kind of crazy only works for HOT WOMEN. Shut up, clean up and go back to work!

I just bought Justin Bieber's hair. Now....his magic is MIIIIIINE!

The 112th congress cut the education budget and that's bad, but they did add "misogyny" to the vocabulary of millions, that's something.

I just bought 241 villain mustaches & bald cats on ebay cheap. Aw yeah... *sets up booth outside of congress*

Nice try local McDonald's, putting that small bush in front of the "Dollar Menu" in the drive thru, but my uncle's cheapness wins again.

I'm Charlie Sheen's Cyrano de Bergerac. I believe you've heard my work.

"Mom always liked YOU best!" - Mayonnaise to blended yogurt
*cottage cheese looks on venomously* "At least she acknowledges you two..."

Hey, couple that just STARTED having sex, you suck at innuendo. Stop giggling because I said "SUCK!"

For whoever his exes date next, Charlie Sheen has become the ultimate "At least I'm not as bad as THAT GUY!" person.