Women love me. No, that's not a statement....it's a request!

WOMEN....LOVE ME!!!!!!

I'm going to do controversial topics on YouTube for views:
"Baby seals, club them it's good for their health!"
"Kids, why feed them DAILY?"

I have to admit, Anthony Weiner has the balls of a younger man judging by these photos he's handing out at the corner.

When you see your teen relatives having relationship problems over stupid crap, should you leave the room BEFORE you point and laugh? Well?

Keep your friends close, and if they let you bang them, become friends with benefits. Don't worry about enemies, you can bang them later.

Okay, what's going on? I walked by a TV with Fox News on it and the anchor said "Shhh, one just walked into the room!" 

I heard that FOX!

Twerking is sexy because It's how a woman's ass moves when she's on top and we're up in them. (Doesn't mean everyone should see it though)

I can't seem to convince women that I'm Hugh Jackman. Lying just isn't for me I guess...

The cats fighting in my yard don't know it's a fake bird they're fighting for, they also don't know I got a new hose today.

Do you think those guys yelling at people about the end of the world on the bullhorn in the subway know about podcasting?

Skype sex isn't as good as phone sex because I can see you. I might as well just watch porno then because with THAT it ends when I do.

I try to pick up women in a Harry Potter costume because pity sex RULES!!!!!

Men. Women. We don't HAVE TO get mad at and fight with each other. There is ANOTHER choice. It's called....SCREWING! Yup. It's more fun.

Can't we just make it illegal for news people to lie and just clean out all of the garbage at once?

Guys, wouldn't you like your lady to pull YOU to HER by the ass, pick YOU up, carry YOU upstairs and give YOU a pounding? Uh...

Me neither.

I cared what people thought of me once...on Thursday...5 years ago. Didn't like it. Stopped. Why? Because kiss my butt that's why.

I'm not saying I'm a tough guy, but if I was in prison with Wolverine, he'd be my personal back scratcher and Shish-Kabob holder.

Whoa! Congress DOESN'T care about black people?

*writes that down*

...I've got some phone calls to make...

Only try to sneak a sniff of a woman's perfume on an elevator if you have a maced, kicked in the balls and being violently arrested fetish.

"Yo! I don't just "Spit", I "Vomit" son!"

- Dude trying to sound like he knows something about hip-hop

"I don't mind getting stuck in traffic."

- Guy who knows that his wife found out what he did last weekend