"I'm not fair, I won't give you anything and quite frankly, I don't even notice you, but if you figure out how I work, you get almost anything you want..."

- The World

I hope one of your personalities makes up their mind...

A camera behind the mirror above the bed? Could you possibly come up with a worse angle to see an ass?

If you're not sure if your wife is STILL pissed at you when you come home...you have Schrödinger's cock.


I just talked a rabid dog into turning itself in.

Yeah, I'm better than you....

I'm writing a song about my cheating ex called I HIT IT 25TH.

I wish female construction workers would STOP yelling "Nice Dick" at me as I walk pass. Is it too much for them to yell "Nice BIG dick"?

I hope that I don't write something here that offends any of you because I really care how you feel about...bwahahahahahaha! I tried.

Dear future wife, two words, endless love. Two more words, always faithful. Two more words, daily banging. Two more words, the butt.

I'm not mad at you, I'm not talking to you as much because you don't mean as much to me anymore. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

If we break up, I don't want to be your friend. I'm good for a moving smile and wave combo though. Sorry. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

A lack of respect for me leads to a lack of any access to me.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone

Your dreams are like a baby, keep sick people (haters, negative motherfuckers) away or it'll get sick too.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone


I love Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's type restaurants. It's funny how life works. When you're young, you take dates to those places. When you're older you take dates to expensive places, then you get married/live with someone and your ass is back at Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's again.

So why not just keep eating there dammit!?!

I can smell your armpit farts.

I have a love/hate relationship with tofu as well.

The tracking cookies on my computer just called me the N word...but it's okay, they have black friends and dated a black lady in high school.


No matter how healthy and fit I get, I’m STILL going to eat pizza during football on Sundays.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!

My mom just whipped me for making a twerk video.


She's out of MY league? Really? Well fuck you, I wasn't drafted, I got on the team as a walk on. And right now, I'm playing on her field.

Porn actors seem ANGRY when they have sex in movies. What’s with all of the violence?

On the other hand, I’m quite happy when I’m in the vagina of any woman that I’m involved with. Yup. HAPPY! HAPPY! JOY! JOY!

(Editors note: S. Anthony has never seen a porno movie and is a virgin)

(S. Anthony’s note: The editor is a d-bag….I’ve been with hot women. Yeah! Super hot! *sits down on a broken chair and eats spaghetti out of a can over a sink full of dirty dishes* I’m the man!)

Don't ever question my manhood....without it's lawyer present.

Whoever said "Quitting is NOT an option!", never tried to do any really hard shit...

It's NOT about the number of followers/friends etc that you have, it's about the few of those that GIVE A SHIT. Only YOU know THAT number...

Keep your friends close and your enemies far away from you. Why the hell would you want those assholes close to you? That saying is stupid.


Mama...I killed a man. Put a gun against his head pulled the trigger, now he's....

...are you recording THIS old woman? *sinister music*

I tailgate other pedestrians bottomless.

It's your word against my baseball bat...

I'm thinking of suing the owners of "Pocket Hose"....because, well...that's MY nickname. Yeah...

If your computer slows down, it doesn't like you.

It's only OVERacting if the other actors DON'T suck too.

Dear rich people who want to do GOOD things, outbid the people who do bad things so YOU can own the whores in the Government. #justathought

I want someone to put subtitles under me so you can tell I'm cursing you out under my breath.

North Korea. I'm so afraid of you, I'm stocking up on ketchup packets and cans of spam. Come to think of it, eating THAT shit would kill me.

Iced coffee was probably invented by the same contrarian that created fat free ice cream.

The guys who set prices at the pawn shops and all night convenience stores would kill each other for ridiculous price supremacy if they met.

I just watched Charlie's Angels on cable...
Bosley is getting some.
Trust me.

"Thanks for NOTHING!"
- People who got NOTHING and aren't happy about it


If you only stalk me on twitter... you don't REALLY care.
- People even crazier than their stalkers

Dear people trying to get away with stuff...someone, somewhere is recording you.