Dear smart women....I want to be IN you. Just thought you should know.

I love the ladies on our Olympic volleyball team! NO NOT THAT WAY! Okay, THAT way but NOT JUST that way. They are awesome!

A lady that I like playfully told me to "Kiss her ass." She has no idea that I have that on my "To do soon and often" list.

I get a kick out of watching these super strong male gymnasts needing to be picked up by some dude to reach the men's high bar.

Please hire me to be in the fake audience in an infomercial so I can scream out "THIS product killed my grandma!"

"Sustained Olympic coverage". That's what I call sex with me in the missionary position. It's better than the previous name "Hey, I tried!"

Not to be indelicate, but my stomach feels much better after I evacuated all of that Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon.

If only life WAS a game. Wait, it IS! Time to enjoy this shit! Also, time to start card counting....

Dear fast food places....
STOP making people ASK for KETCHUP!
D-bags!

Is EVERYTHING about sex? So what if the female track stars are hot...with perfect bodies...covered in sweat that tastes like rainwater....

"Sorry Mr Trump, you CAN'T join our congregation. We have standards!"
-Westboro Baptist Church

Uh oh! I just "Liked" the photo of a pretty 18 year old thinking "I'd be really proud to have a daughter like her someday." What the fuck!?! I'm objectifying the NEXT three hot black women that I see on my screen! Yeah, I said it!

If you stand at a pulpit, virtual or otherwise, and spew hatred...fuck you and you should quit. Enjoy the wrong side of history dumbasses!

I bring my own fine china to fast food places. Yes, I'm better than YOU.

Attention, attention whores! I see you! Just kidding, I was looking at someone else. Go screw yourselves.

Jenna Jameson endorses Mitt Romney.

Well, they do both BLOW. See what I did there? Huh? Well? GENIUS!

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Dear cute women, I want to date, marry, regularly bang, and then make babies with one of you. 

Your friend,

S. Anthony Thomas

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No interest for 18 months.

Rent-A-Center, or your marriage?

*Dice Clay voice* Oh!!!!!!

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Breaking fake news! After seeing the record sales yesterday, Chick-fil-A's founder announces that he's "Not fond of the coloreds either!"

I've dated 4 of the 83 million fake users on Facebook.

Ladies, shave your armpits CLEAN please. I'm tired of the stubble burns on my face and genitals. Thanks, your friend, S. Anthony

Hey, MEN are different than WOMEN. So, now that I've made this discovery, where's my short lived, lame, career damaging daytime talk show?

Christians line up at Chick-fil-A to support their values, meanwhile a homeless guy waits anxiously by the dumpster for scraps. Priorities.

"See the font that is used for the Chick-fil-A logo? Kinda gay."
- Dumb guys

Jennifer Lopez's Boyfriend Casper Smart Caught At Gay Peepshow ... Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"
-Marc Anthony

I pimp slap Alpha males to warm up for the tough parts of my day. Yeah, I'm smoother than YOU.

Cute 24, 30 and 28 year olds were flirting with me and telling me how cute, funny and cuddly I am. No joke here, just rubbing that shit in.

"Blah blah blah blah...."
- A guy working up the courage to say "Blow me!"


What song plays in YOUR head while you're listening to some dweeb drone on about nothing? (I NOW just pull out my MP3 player on them) ;-)

Inspired by the Olympic badminton players, I'd like to admit that my teenage premature ejaculations were ONLY to make ladies feel confident.

It’s not the NUMBER of people around you, it the QUALITY of the people around you. Sometimes, you just have to walk away…

Congress = Guano. That is all.